My son.....loves to shop but not for clothing. He won't try anything on and will only wear certain things. We shop online for most all of this clothing.
This boy has really grown in the past 2 months!
He has moved from the little boy section to the big boy section. This....is...going...to...be...a...hard sell!
Nash really is almost 8 years old.....but, mentally is about 3 to 4. He likes playing with younger kids if they are around and he likes younger things.
The clothes in this new size have characters that my son is not a fan of or doesn't even know.
Can't they make clothing the same in one store for our children. So that...is my son at the age of 13...wants to wear Superman pajamas, they will be provided, in the same style he is used to.
Sure,,,there are others out there like Nash.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Sunday, July 28, 2013
parenting...on a team
I never wanted to be a parent. Not that I don't love my children...because I love them more than life itself. But, I really, never wanted to be a parent.
I don't have high opinions of the parents I grew up knowing and the parents I thought were good parents....never really were around nor would they be MY parent.
So, growing up I never thought about being a parent.
I never wanted to be married. I saw the many marriages my family went thru and I never wanted that. I never dreamed of that white dress. I never thought about walking down the isle because....I never had anyone that would have walked me down the isle. So, screw marriage too :)
So, here I am...married with children. How did that happen???
It's a long story....but, I want to talk about my marriage and children today.
My daughter was raised solely by me. I never had to consult anyone else about how to raise because he was dead. I made decisions alone. I had advise from family and friends...some good and some really shitty.
When I met Hubby...I did not want to get married. I loved him and we got pregnant with Nash but, being married was not for me. I was fortunate enough to have death benefits from my first marriage so I continued to be a single parent who happened to live with the father of one of my children. LOL I know...sounds crazy.
I raised my children and loved Hubby...who was not my Hubby. I didn't ask his opinion of my parenting and he just went along with what I did because he could NOT oppose me. And if he did....it was regretted. Wow...I sound awful but truthful.
Then we got to where we are now. This is not working for either of us. 5 years ago, I decided to marry Hubby. Not for pure love but because I needed insurance and he needed deductions. I thought nothing would change....but everything did.
The more I tried to be independent...the more I couldn't be. I was married.
Then we flipped roles. I went to work and Hubby came home after retiring. And we found autism. Even tho we flipped roles....I did not budge on doing it all. It was my cape...my badge...who I was.
Last month...we cracked. Our marriage cracked and looked like it was going to fail. And since I was having to actually share parenting...even tho I said I wanted to share...I am learning...I really didn't. I asked Hubby to be on my team and parent with me....but it had to be by my rules. Who would do this?? I certainly would NOT! Hubby went on vacation and while he was gone...I enjoyed it. I did NOT have to ask anyone anything. And I told him not to come back. Can you see how well this was working out??
And as soon as I told him...I was doing this alone....I knew I could. I have done it before and I could do it again.
But.....
I have been alone my whole life! Do I want to do this? Do I want to raise another child...alone? Do I want to be alone again? What if I try something new. What If I share? What is I allow him to be on my team...how he wants to be? What if....I quit being a jerk.
While he was gone...we talked. We cried. We screamed.
Then he came home. I had to decide to share. To be a team. To be a couple. To be parents. To share our children. OUR CHILDREN.
This was huge for us...BOTH of us!
Thank God for marriage therapy already in place. Thank God for individual therapy.
I am so proud of me and us. Because if I hadn't decided to be open and to share....I would be divorcing. I don't ever want to be divorced. We are negotiating. Sharing. Being kind. Allowing others to voice their opinions. Wow...how weird.
This is work. Hard work! Worthwhile work. Scary work. But, my children are benefiting from the hard work and so are we.
We are both learning to work on a team. Parenting together. It's funny...I have always known that I don't have parenting skills yet...I always thought I knew it all and never let anyone help or give me advise.
I told my Hubby to come home smelling like shit because then I would know he got his head out of his ass. But, you know what? I smelled like shit too. I pulled my head out too.
I am learning that marriage is so very hard. And parenting is hard. And I never saw anyone get to the other side of the hard part. And not that we are done. We are working...we are going thru the hard part, together. Marriage is hard. But the work you do when things get hard...makes marriage better. I never knew the work existed. I just thought that's when you walked away.
So, have you been to a hard spot in your marriage? Did you check out or get to work?
I don't have high opinions of the parents I grew up knowing and the parents I thought were good parents....never really were around nor would they be MY parent.
So, growing up I never thought about being a parent.
I never wanted to be married. I saw the many marriages my family went thru and I never wanted that. I never dreamed of that white dress. I never thought about walking down the isle because....I never had anyone that would have walked me down the isle. So, screw marriage too :)
So, here I am...married with children. How did that happen???
It's a long story....but, I want to talk about my marriage and children today.
My daughter was raised solely by me. I never had to consult anyone else about how to raise because he was dead. I made decisions alone. I had advise from family and friends...some good and some really shitty.
When I met Hubby...I did not want to get married. I loved him and we got pregnant with Nash but, being married was not for me. I was fortunate enough to have death benefits from my first marriage so I continued to be a single parent who happened to live with the father of one of my children. LOL I know...sounds crazy.
I raised my children and loved Hubby...who was not my Hubby. I didn't ask his opinion of my parenting and he just went along with what I did because he could NOT oppose me. And if he did....it was regretted. Wow...I sound awful but truthful.
Then we got to where we are now. This is not working for either of us. 5 years ago, I decided to marry Hubby. Not for pure love but because I needed insurance and he needed deductions. I thought nothing would change....but everything did.
The more I tried to be independent...the more I couldn't be. I was married.
Then we flipped roles. I went to work and Hubby came home after retiring. And we found autism. Even tho we flipped roles....I did not budge on doing it all. It was my cape...my badge...who I was.
Last month...we cracked. Our marriage cracked and looked like it was going to fail. And since I was having to actually share parenting...even tho I said I wanted to share...I am learning...I really didn't. I asked Hubby to be on my team and parent with me....but it had to be by my rules. Who would do this?? I certainly would NOT! Hubby went on vacation and while he was gone...I enjoyed it. I did NOT have to ask anyone anything. And I told him not to come back. Can you see how well this was working out??
And as soon as I told him...I was doing this alone....I knew I could. I have done it before and I could do it again.
But.....
I have been alone my whole life! Do I want to do this? Do I want to raise another child...alone? Do I want to be alone again? What if I try something new. What If I share? What is I allow him to be on my team...how he wants to be? What if....I quit being a jerk.
While he was gone...we talked. We cried. We screamed.
Then he came home. I had to decide to share. To be a team. To be a couple. To be parents. To share our children. OUR CHILDREN.
This was huge for us...BOTH of us!
Thank God for marriage therapy already in place. Thank God for individual therapy.
I am so proud of me and us. Because if I hadn't decided to be open and to share....I would be divorcing. I don't ever want to be divorced. We are negotiating. Sharing. Being kind. Allowing others to voice their opinions. Wow...how weird.
This is work. Hard work! Worthwhile work. Scary work. But, my children are benefiting from the hard work and so are we.
We are both learning to work on a team. Parenting together. It's funny...I have always known that I don't have parenting skills yet...I always thought I knew it all and never let anyone help or give me advise.
I told my Hubby to come home smelling like shit because then I would know he got his head out of his ass. But, you know what? I smelled like shit too. I pulled my head out too.
I am learning that marriage is so very hard. And parenting is hard. And I never saw anyone get to the other side of the hard part. And not that we are done. We are working...we are going thru the hard part, together. Marriage is hard. But the work you do when things get hard...makes marriage better. I never knew the work existed. I just thought that's when you walked away.
So, have you been to a hard spot in your marriage? Did you check out or get to work?
Monday, July 15, 2013
racing mind....lots of changes
can't sleep.
Going to see my 1st of many people to start the road to Bariatric surgery or...the sleeve. I have been to the seminars...many, many seminars...until I found a surgeon I liked. Then I met one on one with him. Now I start the learning to life a new lifestyle. This is something I have thought about off and on for many years but always thought I could do it on my own. LOL Every-time I try to lose weight...I only get bigger. And now at 50 years old...I either do it now or die soon. Especially with our new fun...autism in the house and a new mission daily.
I need to be all that I can be....and this ain't cutting it. So, for the life we are in now...I need to be my best. And for years....I never cared to live a long life. I never felt worthy of living a long life or wanted to because it would be a long time that I would have to live a life I was not good enough for. Or so I always felt.
Watching my daughter and son grow and become these wonderful people....I want to see it until the end. Not an early end that I always hoped for. Until the bitter end....where I drive in hard and have life living wear marks not a blob that was just done and tired.
So, I am going to get healthy....not thin. Just a healthier weight. Wear purple/lavender/violet hair and be a source to be reckoned with. I am going to wear my overalls I have been hanging on to and I am going to get a tattoo! Because I am my own woman. I don't need my past to validate that life was hard. I don't need to listen to a Mom tell me I am worthless and feel worthless because my Dad never cared anything about me. I now know...it had nothing to do with me. They battled their own demons and I was just there. I fought to get noticed and never got noticed by the ones I hoped would notice. I became big with a big mouth to get the notice I craved. And I am a commanding presence. I get done what needs to get done but maybe in not the best way. And maybe that is how I will remain...I don;t know how that will change. But, I am here and what I say matters. I will fight for my children and their right to be all that they can be. And who they are. And whatever it takes to get them where they want to be.
When I turned 50 last February I wanted to mark the occasion. I wanted to make it mean something. And for the life of me....everything I thought just wasn't it. And I didn't know it wasn't it until I thought again about going ahead with the bariatric surgery. This change is not only good for me but good for my family.
I want to have the life I was always told I was not good enough for. Because I am....enough. I don't need to hide behind this weight because whats inside is not the embarrassment of my childhood. I never again have to sit at a table for dinner to have my family laugh at me because I was not allowed to eat what they were eating. It was always OK in my family to make fun of my weight because they always said if I was embarrassed enough....I would change.
Yep...this was me. I was not FAT! But, I was told to take cross tops to control my hunger. I was put on a diet of grapefruit & hard boiled eggs. I got a spoon full of peanut butter on Saturdays and Sundays as a treat. And the bonus....my brothers were allowed and encouraged to call me names like "How now brown cow" or "Burtha Butt and the Butt sisters" and if I cried about the names....I was told to lose weight because this was my fault.
My biggest fear about losing weight.....is to NOT look like my Mom! That is the scariest thing. I see her there in the mirror. Growing up I was always told I looked just like her and I would say no I don't. I am fat! She never was. It was how I distanced myself from her.
So now....I am controlling my life and how I feel about it. I have had many stumbling blocks but I think...after 50 years.....I got this. I am facing this. I am enough.
Going to see my 1st of many people to start the road to Bariatric surgery or...the sleeve. I have been to the seminars...many, many seminars...until I found a surgeon I liked. Then I met one on one with him. Now I start the learning to life a new lifestyle. This is something I have thought about off and on for many years but always thought I could do it on my own. LOL Every-time I try to lose weight...I only get bigger. And now at 50 years old...I either do it now or die soon. Especially with our new fun...autism in the house and a new mission daily.
I need to be all that I can be....and this ain't cutting it. So, for the life we are in now...I need to be my best. And for years....I never cared to live a long life. I never felt worthy of living a long life or wanted to because it would be a long time that I would have to live a life I was not good enough for. Or so I always felt.
Watching my daughter and son grow and become these wonderful people....I want to see it until the end. Not an early end that I always hoped for. Until the bitter end....where I drive in hard and have life living wear marks not a blob that was just done and tired.
So, I am going to get healthy....not thin. Just a healthier weight. Wear purple/lavender/violet hair and be a source to be reckoned with. I am going to wear my overalls I have been hanging on to and I am going to get a tattoo! Because I am my own woman. I don't need my past to validate that life was hard. I don't need to listen to a Mom tell me I am worthless and feel worthless because my Dad never cared anything about me. I now know...it had nothing to do with me. They battled their own demons and I was just there. I fought to get noticed and never got noticed by the ones I hoped would notice. I became big with a big mouth to get the notice I craved. And I am a commanding presence. I get done what needs to get done but maybe in not the best way. And maybe that is how I will remain...I don;t know how that will change. But, I am here and what I say matters. I will fight for my children and their right to be all that they can be. And who they are. And whatever it takes to get them where they want to be.
When I turned 50 last February I wanted to mark the occasion. I wanted to make it mean something. And for the life of me....everything I thought just wasn't it. And I didn't know it wasn't it until I thought again about going ahead with the bariatric surgery. This change is not only good for me but good for my family.
I want to have the life I was always told I was not good enough for. Because I am....enough. I don't need to hide behind this weight because whats inside is not the embarrassment of my childhood. I never again have to sit at a table for dinner to have my family laugh at me because I was not allowed to eat what they were eating. It was always OK in my family to make fun of my weight because they always said if I was embarrassed enough....I would change.
My biggest fear about losing weight.....is to NOT look like my Mom! That is the scariest thing. I see her there in the mirror. Growing up I was always told I looked just like her and I would say no I don't. I am fat! She never was. It was how I distanced myself from her.
So now....I am controlling my life and how I feel about it. I have had many stumbling blocks but I think...after 50 years.....I got this. I am facing this. I am enough.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Ribbon Necklace with a little Origami Owl
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| the entire double ribbon necklace with Origami Owl charms, locket and dangles |
When I first heard about Origami Owl....I was entranced! I wanted to sell it. But, life happened and I needed to stop doing direct sales and focus my energy on my family. So, I kind of forgot about it.
The other night...I went on to Facebook and one of my friends, Andrea, was hosting an Origami Owl online party. I jumped over and was drooling! Hubby and I are in a interesting time in our marriage and when I am needing soothing...I shop! And I did. And...I don't regret the purchase at all!
I LOVE IT!
I have been wearing my necklace every moment and showing it off to all of my friends. I even booked my own party that ends on July 3rd Tammy's Facebook Origami Owl party!
Today...we are having a heat wave! I took the kids down the hill to Target and it was 110! OMG! I was sweating and my daughter said "Mom....your neck is green!" Well, I have always only been able to wear 18 ct gold or better or my skin rots. And that was going on today. ICK!
Anyway...I love my necklace and want more. So, what to do???
I got out my jewelry making stuff and found some cute go with anything ribbon....and made this fabulous necklace to hold my locket and dangles! It was so cute...even my teenage daughter said "Mom, you should post it on Pinterest". I almost fell over dead!
All you need is ribbon, ribbon pinch crimps, a couple of lobster clips, some O-rings and boom! Total beauty that won't turn green! Hoot! Hoot!
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| close up of dangles, charms & locket |
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| ribbon pinch clasps and lobster clip |
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| my ribbon :) |
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Walls up...battle stations
Today was my therapy session. I do love my therapist...even tho she is teeny, tiny. But, she is real. She is flawed and I like that about her :)
I have been going to therapy for several years...dealing with my past and childhood. And now....dealing with my children and my marriage. Boy....you can NOT have thin skin and go to therapy! Not if you want to get better :)
I would love....to not be like my Mom. I know a lot of you love your Mom. And I do love my Mom. She was not a good Mom. She was NOT the worst Mom either. But, as a Mom now....I see what a MUCH BETTER job she could have done. I know a lot of people say that when they became Mom's they finally understood their Moms and all that she went thru to raise them and became closer.
My feelings are......way opposite!
Anyway...the awareness of our son's ASD, the early retirement of my Hubby and his leaving the correctional department after 27 years, me returning to work and closing my business, the financial difficulties these have put on us and the general changes that Mid-life bring upon you...or marriage is rocky. We have both committed to riding it out and never looking in the direction of the "D" word.
But...sometimes you need a break. We are at that point.
I have been paddling alone for the past several months. Hubby has been thinking we are on a cruise to a strange land and has been afraid to open his eyes. I got him brochures, got him a passport, got him travel books about our trip and a tour guide, printed out maps, stood him at the edge of the dock and then seated him in the boat. I did everything else....then got in the boat and started paddling.
I am tired of paddling alone.
I see that Hubby hasn't grabbed a paddle yet, or opened his eyes, or read any of the brochures or travel books. He pretends the tour guide is not there. And is stuck.
I love my Hubby. He is my best friend. But, I can not live his life nor can I change anything about it. Only he can do this.
He saw his life differently.
Maybe a life in Paris? Maybe even fishing off the coast of Mexico.
I saw a life of a family...I have always wanted a family.
I lived a life of secrets my whole life. I would see one thing and was always told it was something else. I was always told I was less than and not enough. I hated that life.
I swore that no matter what, I would never lie or keep secrets again. I would place my roots down for my children and never pull them up for any reason. I would speak my mind and if someone didn't like it...they could kiss my ass! I would do...whatever I needed to do.......to make my children's life something they would never run from or be embarrassed by. I would call a spade, a spade....and explain why to anyone that wanted to listen...or not :)
And I don't really give a shit what you...or anyone else thinks about me, my life or the choices I have made to be where I am today.
But, from early childhood.....I learned to build walls. My walls are impenetrable! They are 100 feet thick and made of steel! When you come from a tough childhood...you learn to build walls. One of the things I have been working on in therapy...is to let down my walls. Take the reinforcement down. Let some sun shine in :)
Today, I told my therapist that Hubby was on a vacation to see his kids and grandkids. He was also on a vacation from me and our kids. He was tired of living in a mental hospital. He was tired of trying to understand ASD. He wanted a better life. He had other plans for his life. He had always wanted to travel when he retired and he can't do that now. He would like to retire somewhere else. He wanted to be better off financially and not facing loan modification and the possible loss of our home. He wanted more than what he has.
So, I told him to go on a vacation. I was already paddling alone. I told him to think about what he wanted and what he could do about his situation. I instantly put up my walls....thicker and stronger than ever. Because now...the walls don't just protect me.
When I told my therapist this....she was not happy. She saw that when my walls are thick and high....I get very intellectual and rational. My heart...is gone. The space between her and I is greater than the physical distance between me and Hubby.
I am scared. And then I am not.
I raised Sophie all alone. And now that Hubby is gone...the stress is gone from the house. We are not having meltdowns. Our behavior therapist is calling nightly because she knows..shit is going to hit the fan soon...and it hasn't yet. Everything our behavior therapist has asked to be implemented months ago...is implemented! And working great!
Hubby calls daily. Nash is distancing himself from Dad because having Dad gone hurts. I feel guilty enjoying the peace and quiet. And I am scared that maybe...just maybe. This is it.
He claims to miss us and I believe him. I told him that he MUST get his head out of his ass and get over this denial phase he is in. He MUST read......READ....a Temple Grandin book about Autism. He must be on the team or submit his application to leave.
Before he left...I made him see our marriage therapist alone and make an appointment with his doctor that he MUST keep. Every time I talk to him on the phone...I assure him that if he chooses to stay...I will not fight it. All I ask is forewarning because this is going to be a HORRIBLE thing for Nash.
I do not like the unknown. I HATE surprises. Yet...after many months of running with band-aides and putting out fires on a daily and hourly basis...I am enjoying the calm before the storm.
Am I sure there is a storm? It may not be the storm I am anticipating...but there WILL be a storm.
I have been going to therapy for several years...dealing with my past and childhood. And now....dealing with my children and my marriage. Boy....you can NOT have thin skin and go to therapy! Not if you want to get better :)
I would love....to not be like my Mom. I know a lot of you love your Mom. And I do love my Mom. She was not a good Mom. She was NOT the worst Mom either. But, as a Mom now....I see what a MUCH BETTER job she could have done. I know a lot of people say that when they became Mom's they finally understood their Moms and all that she went thru to raise them and became closer.
My feelings are......way opposite!
Anyway...the awareness of our son's ASD, the early retirement of my Hubby and his leaving the correctional department after 27 years, me returning to work and closing my business, the financial difficulties these have put on us and the general changes that Mid-life bring upon you...or marriage is rocky. We have both committed to riding it out and never looking in the direction of the "D" word.
But...sometimes you need a break. We are at that point.
I have been paddling alone for the past several months. Hubby has been thinking we are on a cruise to a strange land and has been afraid to open his eyes. I got him brochures, got him a passport, got him travel books about our trip and a tour guide, printed out maps, stood him at the edge of the dock and then seated him in the boat. I did everything else....then got in the boat and started paddling.
I am tired of paddling alone.
I see that Hubby hasn't grabbed a paddle yet, or opened his eyes, or read any of the brochures or travel books. He pretends the tour guide is not there. And is stuck.
I love my Hubby. He is my best friend. But, I can not live his life nor can I change anything about it. Only he can do this.
He saw his life differently.
Maybe a life in Paris? Maybe even fishing off the coast of Mexico.
I saw a life of a family...I have always wanted a family.
I lived a life of secrets my whole life. I would see one thing and was always told it was something else. I was always told I was less than and not enough. I hated that life.
I swore that no matter what, I would never lie or keep secrets again. I would place my roots down for my children and never pull them up for any reason. I would speak my mind and if someone didn't like it...they could kiss my ass! I would do...whatever I needed to do.......to make my children's life something they would never run from or be embarrassed by. I would call a spade, a spade....and explain why to anyone that wanted to listen...or not :)
And I don't really give a shit what you...or anyone else thinks about me, my life or the choices I have made to be where I am today.
But, from early childhood.....I learned to build walls. My walls are impenetrable! They are 100 feet thick and made of steel! When you come from a tough childhood...you learn to build walls. One of the things I have been working on in therapy...is to let down my walls. Take the reinforcement down. Let some sun shine in :)
Today, I told my therapist that Hubby was on a vacation to see his kids and grandkids. He was also on a vacation from me and our kids. He was tired of living in a mental hospital. He was tired of trying to understand ASD. He wanted a better life. He had other plans for his life. He had always wanted to travel when he retired and he can't do that now. He would like to retire somewhere else. He wanted to be better off financially and not facing loan modification and the possible loss of our home. He wanted more than what he has.
So, I told him to go on a vacation. I was already paddling alone. I told him to think about what he wanted and what he could do about his situation. I instantly put up my walls....thicker and stronger than ever. Because now...the walls don't just protect me.
When I told my therapist this....she was not happy. She saw that when my walls are thick and high....I get very intellectual and rational. My heart...is gone. The space between her and I is greater than the physical distance between me and Hubby.
I am scared. And then I am not.
I raised Sophie all alone. And now that Hubby is gone...the stress is gone from the house. We are not having meltdowns. Our behavior therapist is calling nightly because she knows..shit is going to hit the fan soon...and it hasn't yet. Everything our behavior therapist has asked to be implemented months ago...is implemented! And working great!
Hubby calls daily. Nash is distancing himself from Dad because having Dad gone hurts. I feel guilty enjoying the peace and quiet. And I am scared that maybe...just maybe. This is it.
He claims to miss us and I believe him. I told him that he MUST get his head out of his ass and get over this denial phase he is in. He MUST read......READ....a Temple Grandin book about Autism. He must be on the team or submit his application to leave.
Before he left...I made him see our marriage therapist alone and make an appointment with his doctor that he MUST keep. Every time I talk to him on the phone...I assure him that if he chooses to stay...I will not fight it. All I ask is forewarning because this is going to be a HORRIBLE thing for Nash.
I do not like the unknown. I HATE surprises. Yet...after many months of running with band-aides and putting out fires on a daily and hourly basis...I am enjoying the calm before the storm.
Am I sure there is a storm? It may not be the storm I am anticipating...but there WILL be a storm.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Do you schmooze for what you need???
As I have said before...I always knew the boy was weird. My little odd fellow, Nash. And on October 22, 2012...it rained! And that day...our life changed. Was it him? Or me? Was he always more than weird and I didn't choose to see it. Or was he just odd....and the rain woke him up to his life???
I have no fucking idea!
Anyway, when it happened....I was all over it! I have the ability to perform amazing feats when necessary. I know enough people really to be dangerous. I know enough people in the right places that when this shift happened...I was able to get answers and get people to listen to me rather quickly.
From October 22 to December 3...Nash went from a very solemn, very active, very odd, rarely a problem child to a child on medications for ADHD with full knowledge that the spectrum is there...just not sure where.
By the 1st of January I was reading everything I could get my hands on and had Nash in therapy to figure out "what the fuck?" I had the ear of our pediatrician, a therapist, the school counselor, the principal, the special education department of our school and parents in our community that had answers and other connections.
On February 28, we finally were able to get into to see a psycho-pharmacologist neurologist in Walnut Creek and did not accept our insurance but would be willing to see us for $600 and would provide us with a diagnosis and meds. Because at this point....my beautiful, quiet but active boy had become violent! And I was the focus of his rage. I was scared!
On February 28, I had also served the school with a formal request for an IEP. I never knew I could ask for one. They gave me SST meetings but nothing else. And never told me I could ask for this. Even tho I was talking to people in the know.....it was not laid right out for me. I was told by the school I had to have a diagnosis to even talk to anyone about asking for help. And I was asking for help and a diagnosis.
It was before this that I was recommended a woman to see. I had talked to her on the phone after many well connected people made introductions thru secret doorways on my behalf. I spoke to her on the phone one evening. She scared the crap outta me! I made arrangements to meet her at my office because a Monday holiday was here and no one (was supposed to be) would be at work. LOL They were all at work! But before our supposed meeting...the more I thought about her...the more of a whack job I thought she was. And I had to pay her cash because we had private insurance and she only accepts medi-cal. I decided to NOT meet with her and cancelled our meeting. She never picked up her message...showed up at my office and met everyone I work with. They hated her! I later talked to other professionals that explained why she is the way she is and we met again. I loved her! And I still see her and pay her cash for her help. Altho...we are negotiating trading her services for timeshare points with our WorldMark timeshare. She loves WorldMark :) WorldMark by Wyndham
So, back to February 28th. I walked out of the psycho-pharmacologist neurologist in Walnut Creek's office with a full diagnosis of ADHD, PDD-NOS and the possibility of more and a prescription for a medicine that will make him not so mean! Best money spent! SWEAR!
Since then....we have weekly sessions with our behavior specialist, we have our own local psychiatrist that has changed Nash's diagnosis to Autism, ADHD and anxiety. We have tweaked the meds and added more for sleep...because my kids don't sleep and Nash does not know how to self-sooth. We have also added a marriage therapist for me & Hubby, single therapy for me and single therapy for Hubby (ok, 1 session....but that was hard to get him to agree to). And a successful IEP meeting on May 2nd. I have also gotten myself appointed to the Community Action Committee for SELPA and will see what other stuff I can get myself into. Because I schmooze and I get what I want and what I need.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
the joy of sleeplessness
My kids don't sleep well.
Heck...I don't sleep well. Never have in my entire life!
Last night...my Hubby left after we put Nash to bed to take a 9 day trip up to Washington & Oregon to see his daughters, son-in-law and grand-kids. I have been preparing Nash for the event making calendars to track when it would happen and a calendar that started today so that he will know when Dad will be coming home.
I did not think leaving after we put Nash to bed was a good idea because he didn't see him leave. But, I was assured by Hubby that it would be fine.
Why am I always right.
About 1am....Nash woke up and came to me in bed. "Mom, can we cuddle?" Sure, climb in.
He had a million questions. Am I sure Dad left? Where is Dad now? Is he there yet? Why hasn't he called? Why did he leave? Is he coming back? I answered every question and rubbed his back. His anxiety was very high!
I would dose off and on between the questions and concerns that Nash had. I would ask if he was ready to go to bed...and he would reply nope. Finally at 3:30am...I am exhausted! I need to sleep. I tell him he will be fine in his own bed...let's go.
I get him tucked in, kissed all over his little face and assure him again that Dad is just driving and we will talk to him in the morning.
I AM NOW WIDE AWAKE!
I piddle on Facebook and shop a little and decide...I have GOT TO SLEEP!
I take a pain pill because I ache all over and eventually fall asleep.
5am....Nash is by my side. Very upset and worried. Even tho I told him to go to sleep...he did not. He laid in bed and watched a movie on his DVD player.....this his therapist thinks is a good idea. I fought it for a while...but, I do get to sleep when he is watching a movie. I get him into bed..rub is little back and talk away his worries.
By 6am...he is still concerned about Dad and wondering where he is. We call. I put Nash on speaker because he does not like to have the phone touch him. We get dad on the phone and fine that he is still about 1 1/2 hours from Portland. He has pulled over a couple of times to rest. Nash now feels better and is less worried. We say good bye.
Mom...if I can watch a movie in here with you...you can sleep. Sure Buddy...why not! He gets his Kindle because it has his current fav...Toy Story 2. This is a good one because I have it memorized so when I need to comment...I can in my sleep :)
When the movie is done....I say its time to get ready for the day and kick the boy out so I can shower. Then I get our 9 days organized so that we can function while balancing work for me, 1/2 day camp for Nash and Middle College for Sophie all week.
I would like to say this is going to be a breeze...but it won't be.
This is my first Summer that I have worked at a real job. That Sophie has a life and not my "beck & call" babysitter and Nash is only in 1/2 day camp because Hubby was supposed to be around. So, it should be an interesting week and if I can do it....I TOTALLY ROCK!
So, here's hoping that Nash stays in bed tonight. I had to threaten him...because...damn...I am freakin' tired!
Heck...I don't sleep well. Never have in my entire life!
Last night...my Hubby left after we put Nash to bed to take a 9 day trip up to Washington & Oregon to see his daughters, son-in-law and grand-kids. I have been preparing Nash for the event making calendars to track when it would happen and a calendar that started today so that he will know when Dad will be coming home.
I did not think leaving after we put Nash to bed was a good idea because he didn't see him leave. But, I was assured by Hubby that it would be fine.
Why am I always right.
About 1am....Nash woke up and came to me in bed. "Mom, can we cuddle?" Sure, climb in.
He had a million questions. Am I sure Dad left? Where is Dad now? Is he there yet? Why hasn't he called? Why did he leave? Is he coming back? I answered every question and rubbed his back. His anxiety was very high!
I would dose off and on between the questions and concerns that Nash had. I would ask if he was ready to go to bed...and he would reply nope. Finally at 3:30am...I am exhausted! I need to sleep. I tell him he will be fine in his own bed...let's go.
I get him tucked in, kissed all over his little face and assure him again that Dad is just driving and we will talk to him in the morning.
I AM NOW WIDE AWAKE!
I piddle on Facebook and shop a little and decide...I have GOT TO SLEEP!
I take a pain pill because I ache all over and eventually fall asleep.
5am....Nash is by my side. Very upset and worried. Even tho I told him to go to sleep...he did not. He laid in bed and watched a movie on his DVD player.....this his therapist thinks is a good idea. I fought it for a while...but, I do get to sleep when he is watching a movie. I get him into bed..rub is little back and talk away his worries.
By 6am...he is still concerned about Dad and wondering where he is. We call. I put Nash on speaker because he does not like to have the phone touch him. We get dad on the phone and fine that he is still about 1 1/2 hours from Portland. He has pulled over a couple of times to rest. Nash now feels better and is less worried. We say good bye.
Mom...if I can watch a movie in here with you...you can sleep. Sure Buddy...why not! He gets his Kindle because it has his current fav...Toy Story 2. This is a good one because I have it memorized so when I need to comment...I can in my sleep :)
When the movie is done....I say its time to get ready for the day and kick the boy out so I can shower. Then I get our 9 days organized so that we can function while balancing work for me, 1/2 day camp for Nash and Middle College for Sophie all week.
I would like to say this is going to be a breeze...but it won't be.
This is my first Summer that I have worked at a real job. That Sophie has a life and not my "beck & call" babysitter and Nash is only in 1/2 day camp because Hubby was supposed to be around. So, it should be an interesting week and if I can do it....I TOTALLY ROCK!
So, here's hoping that Nash stays in bed tonight. I had to threaten him...because...damn...I am freakin' tired!
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