tomorrow is the IEP

• My last attempt at an IEP....looking back...was a flop.
• It was a flop for me and for my son.
• I did not have a grasp of what I needed or what my son needed
• I brought lots of people in but they had about as much information as I did
• I am nervous
• Nash is in 2nd grade now he needs more
• I need him to want more
• I want more
• I have my list of things to ask for
• I am more prepared
• I have a viable diagnosis this time
• Someone saw what I finally saw last year
• And...they saw more than I even thought was there
• I got very scared
• I had huge doubt that I was the parent for this child
• I am still scared
• I never thought I was good enough for a child with special needs
• Those parents always seem like they were breed to take on a child with special needs
• My therapist said I was the perfect parent for a child with special needs
• I thought she was crazy!
• I remember going to the hospital almost 18 years ago knowing there was something wrong with my baby that I was pregnant with.
• I was being rushed from Santa Maria hospital to a level 3 hospital in Santa Barbara
• I was with my husband, my Mom and my mother-in-law...and we were being rushed 
• I could feel it was bad
• I prayed that if my son was going to need anything or be special needs...that I was not a good enough person to have him
• I prayed that he not survive
• What a double edge sword that was
• He died
• I felt the most guilt....ever
• I live with that guilt all the time
• And when Nash came along
• I expected perfect
• I knew that something was off all along
• I never thought it would be this
• More guilt
• I asked everyone
• doctors
• daycare
• other parents
• then
• teachers
• school staff
• and then
• one day
• October 22, 2012
• it rained
• and something was revealed
• It took all this time
• to see what Nash was
• he is perfect for me
• Nash is my odd little duck
• There are days that I swear I am going to pull my hair out because he frustrates me so
• I listen to him repeat a million things......over and over
• I listen to him tell me about a movie...that he has seen once
• and has it memorized
• He can recited the names of the players in all of the episodes of this seasons Wipeout
• every single one!
• He talks to me in movie-speak and I smile because I know exactly what movie it came from
• I know he only eats chicken nuggets from McDonald's and Foster Farms
• and I know he will only eat KRAFT Macaroni & cheese, made the regular way not instant!
• and Pop Tarts....in brown sugar sugar-man flavor
• and eggies with sprinkles.....black & white please.
• Not salt & pepper
• there is no such thing as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in our home
• peanut butter only
• and he likes to tell me that he hates hot cheetos
• but he has no idea...he has never tried them
• but saw them once at school...and they were red!
• Nope....never
• Nash is my baby
• it has taken me 8 years to finally become the parent he needs
• I am scared that I won't live up to his challenges
• but I know....no one would fight as hard as I will
• so, maybe I am the perfect parent for him
• I can only try