- My last attempt at an IEP....looking back...was a flop.
- It was a flop for me and for my son.
- I did not have a grasp of what I needed or what my son needed
- I brought lots of people in but they had about as much information as I did
- I am nervous
- Nash is in 2nd grade now he needs more
- I need him to want more
- I want more
- I have my list of things to ask for
- I am more prepared
- I have a viable diagnosis this time
- Someone saw what I finally saw last year
- And...they saw more than I even thought was there
- I got very scared
- I had huge doubt that I was the parent for this child
- I am still scared
- I never thought I was good enough for a child with special needs
- Those parents always seem like they were breed to take on a child with special needs
- My therapist said I was the perfect parent for a child with special needs
- I thought she was crazy!
- I remember going to the hospital almost 18 years ago knowing there was something wrong with my baby that I was pregnant with.
- I was being rushed from Santa Maria hospital to a level 3 hospital in Santa Barbara
- I was with my husband, my Mom and my mother-in-law...and we were being rushed
- I could feel it was bad
- I prayed that if my son was going to need anything or be special needs...that I was not a good enough person to have him
- I prayed that he not survive
- What a double edge sword that was
- He died
- I felt the most guilt....ever
- I live with that guilt all the time
- And when Nash came along
- I expected perfect
- I knew that something was off all along
- I never thought it would be this
- More guilt
- I asked everyone
- doctors
- daycare
- other parents
- then
- teachers
- school staff
- and then
- one day
- October 22, 2012
- it rained
- and something was revealed
- It took all this time
- to see what Nash was
- he is perfect for me
- Nash is my odd little duck
- There are days that I swear I am going to pull my hair out because he frustrates me so
- I listen to him repeat a million things......over and over
- I listen to him tell me about a movie...that he has seen once
- and has it memorized
- He can recited the names of the players in all of the episodes of this seasons Wipeout
- every single one!
- He talks to me in movie-speak and I smile because I know exactly what movie it came from
- I know he only eats chicken nuggets from McDonald's and Foster Farms
- and I know he will only eat KRAFT Macaroni & cheese, made the regular way not instant!
- and Pop Tarts....in brown sugar sugar-man flavor
- and eggies with sprinkles.....black & white please.
- Not salt & pepper
- there is no such thing as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in our home
- peanut butter only
- and he likes to tell me that he hates hot cheetos
- but he has no idea...he has never tried them
- but saw them once at school...and they were red!
- Nope....never
- Nash is my baby
- it has taken me 8 years to finally become the parent he needs
- I am scared that I won't live up to his challenges
- but I know....no one would fight as hard as I will
- so, maybe I am the perfect parent for him
- I can only try
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
tomorrow is the IEP
Friday, September 13, 2013
I can breathe....for a while
My last post was about how our life has turned. Life has been very sucky....really sucky. I was raised in chaos....and I hate not knowing my next step. And this past several weeks have been a wait and see kind of YUCK!
We had an official diagnosis of autism on August 19th but the report didn't come for 10 days.
Then we got the report but would not hear from the agency if they would take my son on, for 10 more days.
Nash started school on August 21st and went to school for 3 days...then we had the Rim Fire. School was closed for a week. Then school opened again........and we had another set of first day yuckies and worried that it could happen again.
Our school hired a new special education K-3 teacher over the Summer. She quit right before school started. Who does that???
The school was right on it and now 3 weeks later...we have a teacher.
We have an IEP in place...but not for autism. So, waiting to get the autism IEP in place with the new teacher was making me crazed.
I was supposed to wait until next Monday....but this morning...after I dropped off my son in his classroom.....I stopped and introduced myself to her. Luckily, the temporary teacher that had been subbing was there and the special ed teacher for the older grades introduced me to her. And she was able to confirm that I can have my IEP this coming Thursday.
Woo Hoo!
Now, is that going to make a HUGE difference in our lives. Nope, it will be more change. But, its a move forward.
And we are going to get some services from the agency...in a couple of weeks.
And we are filing for disability for our son.....sad but really....necessary.
I am breathing.
We had an official diagnosis of autism on August 19th but the report didn't come for 10 days.
Then we got the report but would not hear from the agency if they would take my son on, for 10 more days.
Nash started school on August 21st and went to school for 3 days...then we had the Rim Fire. School was closed for a week. Then school opened again........and we had another set of first day yuckies and worried that it could happen again.
Our school hired a new special education K-3 teacher over the Summer. She quit right before school started. Who does that???
The school was right on it and now 3 weeks later...we have a teacher.
We have an IEP in place...but not for autism. So, waiting to get the autism IEP in place with the new teacher was making me crazed.
I was supposed to wait until next Monday....but this morning...after I dropped off my son in his classroom.....I stopped and introduced myself to her. Luckily, the temporary teacher that had been subbing was there and the special ed teacher for the older grades introduced me to her. And she was able to confirm that I can have my IEP this coming Thursday.
Woo Hoo!
Now, is that going to make a HUGE difference in our lives. Nope, it will be more change. But, its a move forward.
And we are going to get some services from the agency...in a couple of weeks.
And we are filing for disability for our son.....sad but really....necessary.
I am breathing.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
when the road is rough
- Since school has started...the road has been rough.
- After 3 days of school and the county was on fire and school closed to be safe.....the road was rough.
- Now, we are back at school for another set of 1st days...this road is rough!
- Only having a diagnosis, but still waiting to know what to do....is terribly rough.
- Being asked questions a gajillion times about why he has to go to school.....yes, its rough.
- Sitting on a bench every morning, while we are at school way too early because of his panic...eh, I can live with that.
- Watching all the kids play, while yours sit in shear panic because of his surroundings....fucking rough.
- Having people try to help....its nice.....but also makes it rough.
- Finally hearing the whistle blow to go to class...and feel the tension so thick you could cut it with a knife....numbingly rough.
- Walking your child to his class and waiting while everyone whirs around and your child is frozen....heartbreakingly rough.
- Having the teacher come and know...your child is quietly...freaking out because you are going to leave.......horribly rough.
- Seeing your child's eyes, as he look at you for comfort and his eyes are welling up....and he says bye.........fucking rough!
- Walking away knowing you survived another war......and there was no winner....rough.
- Going to work so you can feel like a human again............
- Knowing your day is over and now you have to pick up your child and you don't know who will be there.......frightening rough.
- Hearing your child say...I got lost in class today, I got lost on the play ground, people called me names, people said they hate me............tearfully rough.
- working on homework....just rough!
- And now is dinner time....battle stations.
- the screaming starts...I hate you......I am not going to eat this...where are my chicken nuggets.....this is not protein, this is crap! You can't tell me what to do.....I wish you were dead Mom. You are an idiot Mom.....I wish you would go away forever. I hate you.....then, rams a fork at me....hurts my heart rough,
- I declare this day to be over...jammies then bed...Mommy has had enough....rough.
- Allowing Dad to step up while he is crazied....out comes a prison Lieutenant.....that is fucked up ROUGH!
- Pulling the lieutenant off the boy and asking him to leave....way fucked up rough.
- Sit with the boy while he cries that no body loves him. Who will love him? He wants to go where there are no parents. I tell him, I love him and always will. I kiss his forehead and rub his back, I promise to always be there and love him no matter what he does......just plain rough.
- Get the boy settled in so that he can cry himself to sleep.....broken hearted rough.
- Wondering where Hubby Lieutenant went...been gone for hours now.
- Reassuring daughter that this is bad...it will be fine. fucked up rough.
- Eat ice cream to make me feel better.....you guessed it...rough.
- Wondering if I should lock the door or not....scary rough.
- Later, hearing someone come in the house and hope it's your Hubby......nervous.
- Being quiet and waiting to see what is what.....rough.
- Asking if he would like to talk but that you refuse to fight....and he says.....I smell like your Mother because I am drunk. Leave me alone, I am sleeping on the couch. rough.
- today...............was rough.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
we have an answer....autism
I have been avoiding my blog because...then I don't have to address all that is going on in our family. But, after my last therapy session.....I am not avoiding anything...I am mad, scared, and feeling like I am in a foreign county and don't speak the language.
As you know, on October 22, 2012, I finally saw that there was something wrong with our son, Nash. It rained and it became our first eye opener into...WTF? I have been running and searching for answers since. Not that I was questioning things before this date.....but, I had nothing concrete to say....what the heck is this?
On August 19, 2013, we got a definitive diagnosis. Autism. Not Asperger's, not PPD NOS, not ADHD
Autism
Even tho I knew it....I was not prepared for the shock of the confirmation. The doctor that did the psych evaluation was very forth coming with information and preparation of us as parents. He was not mean or accusatory or blaming....he was informative, in plain language and very matter of fact. And I believe that he is 100% correct in his diagnosis.
But......that morning when we left our home for the drive to the clinic where this diagnosis was done....I was mentally preparing for a fight. I have been fighting and yelling, pulling and forcing people to see that there was something going on with my child! There was a problem that needed an answer.....and no one was seeing that it was a big deal!
I fought to get people to look at what I was seeing. And even when I got them to look....they, in many ways, just patted my hand. Told me it wasn't so bad. Yes, he would need some help but not much. Yes, we will give you enough so you think we are doing something...but really, we are blowing you off. I was getting used to people...professionals...telling me that well, it's a minor issue. Even the case worker that set up the evaluation told me not to expect much because there wasn't really anything there.
So, while driving to the appointment, and meeting with the doctor, and filling out all of the questionnaires.....I was putting on my fighting gloves, I was getting on my armor, I was in hyper drive....I was ready for battle! When I went in after many hours of paperwork and all of the testing he did with Nash....I was going to convince him that something was wrong with my baby!
And he told me....there was something wrong. He explained in very simple terms the long and the short of what was going on with our son.
Autism
I have been calling it autism. I have been reading many books about autism. I have read so much on the web about autism. I even put a magnet with the word autism on the back of my van. I tell people everyday my son has autism.
But, when he said autism......it knocked the wind out of me. I went numb. I was shocked. I kept listening to him explain and waiting to fight.
Autism
Her talked to us about Nash's current schooling, how he would make specific IEP recommendations in his evaluation, how teaching Nash will have to change. He spoke about Nash's future and how what we are hoping for Nash may not be what is our reality now. That there are many forms of fulfillment and just because its not what we expect...he will still have a fulfilling life.
I felt like I was hearing about impending death. Cancer. The end of the world.
Autism
When he was done...he shook our hands, we smiled, we thanked him, we held Nash's hand and walked to the van. The sky was still blue. The wind blew my hair. A train with many cars whizzed by. We all watched the train go by. It was so very hot. And Nash was waiting for his promised trip to Target to eat pizza.
As I sat in the van to drive away...my right calf seized into a charlie horse cramp. But, it wasn't like a cramp I had ever had before. It became a knot the size of my fist. And the rest of my muscles were so very tight. I told Hubby but it was like saying....God bless me, after I had sneezed. When we got to the closest Target...I could hardly get out of the van...all of my muscles were tight and seized in pain. I could hardly walk but we were at Target, pizza was waiting....and I had to move!
When we finally got home....I was a mess. Hubby was a mess. And Nash was Nash. The same child that left the house this morning is still the same child with us now. But, our world is different.
I felt like my world ended. But, we still had the same everything. Everything is still the same colors, and shapes, and smells. But, we now have an answer. The answer I have been pointing to. And now the answer is...autism.
As you know, on October 22, 2012, I finally saw that there was something wrong with our son, Nash. It rained and it became our first eye opener into...WTF? I have been running and searching for answers since. Not that I was questioning things before this date.....but, I had nothing concrete to say....what the heck is this?
On August 19, 2013, we got a definitive diagnosis. Autism. Not Asperger's, not PPD NOS, not ADHD
Autism
Even tho I knew it....I was not prepared for the shock of the confirmation. The doctor that did the psych evaluation was very forth coming with information and preparation of us as parents. He was not mean or accusatory or blaming....he was informative, in plain language and very matter of fact. And I believe that he is 100% correct in his diagnosis.
But......that morning when we left our home for the drive to the clinic where this diagnosis was done....I was mentally preparing for a fight. I have been fighting and yelling, pulling and forcing people to see that there was something going on with my child! There was a problem that needed an answer.....and no one was seeing that it was a big deal!
I fought to get people to look at what I was seeing. And even when I got them to look....they, in many ways, just patted my hand. Told me it wasn't so bad. Yes, he would need some help but not much. Yes, we will give you enough so you think we are doing something...but really, we are blowing you off. I was getting used to people...professionals...telling me that well, it's a minor issue. Even the case worker that set up the evaluation told me not to expect much because there wasn't really anything there.
So, while driving to the appointment, and meeting with the doctor, and filling out all of the questionnaires.....I was putting on my fighting gloves, I was getting on my armor, I was in hyper drive....I was ready for battle! When I went in after many hours of paperwork and all of the testing he did with Nash....I was going to convince him that something was wrong with my baby!
And he told me....there was something wrong. He explained in very simple terms the long and the short of what was going on with our son.
Autism
I have been calling it autism. I have been reading many books about autism. I have read so much on the web about autism. I even put a magnet with the word autism on the back of my van. I tell people everyday my son has autism.
But, when he said autism......it knocked the wind out of me. I went numb. I was shocked. I kept listening to him explain and waiting to fight.
Autism
Her talked to us about Nash's current schooling, how he would make specific IEP recommendations in his evaluation, how teaching Nash will have to change. He spoke about Nash's future and how what we are hoping for Nash may not be what is our reality now. That there are many forms of fulfillment and just because its not what we expect...he will still have a fulfilling life.
I felt like I was hearing about impending death. Cancer. The end of the world.
Autism
When he was done...he shook our hands, we smiled, we thanked him, we held Nash's hand and walked to the van. The sky was still blue. The wind blew my hair. A train with many cars whizzed by. We all watched the train go by. It was so very hot. And Nash was waiting for his promised trip to Target to eat pizza.
As I sat in the van to drive away...my right calf seized into a charlie horse cramp. But, it wasn't like a cramp I had ever had before. It became a knot the size of my fist. And the rest of my muscles were so very tight. I told Hubby but it was like saying....God bless me, after I had sneezed. When we got to the closest Target...I could hardly get out of the van...all of my muscles were tight and seized in pain. I could hardly walk but we were at Target, pizza was waiting....and I had to move!
When we finally got home....I was a mess. Hubby was a mess. And Nash was Nash. The same child that left the house this morning is still the same child with us now. But, our world is different.
I felt like my world ended. But, we still had the same everything. Everything is still the same colors, and shapes, and smells. But, we now have an answer. The answer I have been pointing to. And now the answer is...autism.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Buying Miss Pissy Pants behind me coffee!
Sunday....Hubby and I were having a nice "sharing of info" conversation that ended weirdly. Not badly...just weirdly. He walked away and I went to bed. Nothing bad was said......nothing was said.
Ok...now comes Monday morning.
The air feels weird.
I do the whole, shower, hair & face, get dressed and walk down the hall to face the war.
I say war. I am the general of this mission. I set up strategy every minute, every moment I am awake because I never know when a missile will launch, or a case of friendly fire will occur. If I am awake....I am the strategist!
Hubby and I have been at odds about food. Both my kids really only eat ten things. Seriously! When we got married many moons ago....he was serious that Sophie would eat anything put on her plate. As a child that was forced to eat what was prepared or stay up all night until it was eaten...I have issues with it.
I was always on some strange diet to "not be fat" but meal time was not a pleasant thing growing up. This where your flaws or frailties were put on display for the other family members to rip it and you apart. This is where punishments were doled out, grades were discussed and reprimands for anything from how you smell, anything you did or didn't do at any time to someones pissed and you crying will make me feel better.
So, I don't like to talk at meal time nor do I like to discuss anything that will cause pain. So, my kids picky eating....I just don't address unless forced to. Hubby...wants our children to be more adventurous about food. It's hard to be adventurous with 10 items on your menu.
So, we came to odds last night. Not a fight....just a.....I am not fighting your fight. I refuse. You have issues...you deal with them. You have my blessing but I will be on the sidelines of this one.
So, this morning...like a fool....I asked how he felt and if we were at odds??? He said no....but...
No....but....means yes!
I ended up leaving for work....very....pissy!
I get in my lovely van...and blast Maroon 5. I am tapping my fingers and enjoying the vibrations.....I am starting to feel a little better.
I get to the Starbucks drive thru and wait. I crawl along....and when I was a second late to move. The old lady behind me honks. Then honks 2 more times. WTF? I look in my rear view mirror to see an older lady looking like she is having a really crappy day. I watch her...and she honks one more time. Really? There is no place for me to go! I have 3 people in front of me! I am thinking...I can throw my bad ass mini van in park and go back and rip her up! The more I think about it, the better I am feeling. We move up again...and again another honk. I look back again and this time....I am getting her! Then the car in front of me pulls out and I am at the window.
Its cute red headed Wes! He is adorable and he asks...are you having a good Monday? I look at him and say no! And neither is Miss Pissy Pants in the car behind me! He looks out at the old lady and says yeah, she is always crabby!
That does it...lets really give her something to be crabby about! I buy her coffee! I tell Wes that Miss Pissy Pants coffee is on me today! That'll teach her! That will turn that frown upside down!
Instantly...I am no longer pissy because I took the air out of someone else's pissy balloon. Now....I am smiling! I did a good thing....and maybe made someones day...or ruined their reason to be pissy!
I love when a good deed can be good and a little evil :)
Ok...now comes Monday morning.
The air feels weird.
I do the whole, shower, hair & face, get dressed and walk down the hall to face the war.
I say war. I am the general of this mission. I set up strategy every minute, every moment I am awake because I never know when a missile will launch, or a case of friendly fire will occur. If I am awake....I am the strategist!
Hubby and I have been at odds about food. Both my kids really only eat ten things. Seriously! When we got married many moons ago....he was serious that Sophie would eat anything put on her plate. As a child that was forced to eat what was prepared or stay up all night until it was eaten...I have issues with it.
I was always on some strange diet to "not be fat" but meal time was not a pleasant thing growing up. This where your flaws or frailties were put on display for the other family members to rip it and you apart. This is where punishments were doled out, grades were discussed and reprimands for anything from how you smell, anything you did or didn't do at any time to someones pissed and you crying will make me feel better.
So, I don't like to talk at meal time nor do I like to discuss anything that will cause pain. So, my kids picky eating....I just don't address unless forced to. Hubby...wants our children to be more adventurous about food. It's hard to be adventurous with 10 items on your menu.
So, we came to odds last night. Not a fight....just a.....I am not fighting your fight. I refuse. You have issues...you deal with them. You have my blessing but I will be on the sidelines of this one.
So, this morning...like a fool....I asked how he felt and if we were at odds??? He said no....but...
No....but....means yes!
I ended up leaving for work....very....pissy!
I get in my lovely van...and blast Maroon 5. I am tapping my fingers and enjoying the vibrations.....I am starting to feel a little better.
I get to the Starbucks drive thru and wait. I crawl along....and when I was a second late to move. The old lady behind me honks. Then honks 2 more times. WTF? I look in my rear view mirror to see an older lady looking like she is having a really crappy day. I watch her...and she honks one more time. Really? There is no place for me to go! I have 3 people in front of me! I am thinking...I can throw my bad ass mini van in park and go back and rip her up! The more I think about it, the better I am feeling. We move up again...and again another honk. I look back again and this time....I am getting her! Then the car in front of me pulls out and I am at the window.
Its cute red headed Wes! He is adorable and he asks...are you having a good Monday? I look at him and say no! And neither is Miss Pissy Pants in the car behind me! He looks out at the old lady and says yeah, she is always crabby!
That does it...lets really give her something to be crabby about! I buy her coffee! I tell Wes that Miss Pissy Pants coffee is on me today! That'll teach her! That will turn that frown upside down!
Instantly...I am no longer pissy because I took the air out of someone else's pissy balloon. Now....I am smiling! I did a good thing....and maybe made someones day...or ruined their reason to be pissy!
I love when a good deed can be good and a little evil :)
Saturday, August 3, 2013
finally stopped runnning...and now it all catches up
If you KNOW me...you know my life is interesting. Even the Psychologist I sat with last Monday who gave me a battery of tests was amazed at what I have been thru and how normal I test out :)
I am going to have bariatric surgery in (fingers crossed) November. If you are not familiar with the term....I am having the fat surgery. I used to think it was cheating life. If you couldn't lose the weight on your own...you had to suffer and stay fat because that is what you deserve....hum, sounds like someone from my past. But, I have been looking at it for 2 years...not ready to make such a drastic decision...thinking I really needed to just suffer and be buried in a piano box like I was always told.
For the last 4 years...I have been in therapy. The first year it was once a week...then it slacked off...and then I took about a year off. Then I had to go back. I found someone I gelled with better, someone who would hold me accountable and really help me. And because of my time with her, I have had her see my daughter because if I am fucked up...how can I NOT fuck up my kids? I am assured my daughter is pretty normal....consider being raised by me :)
Then last year I asked her to see my 7 year old son. Over time we learned that my son has autism and ADHD. She is working with my son and me to learn and deal with it. And because of my son and other patients, she is learning more about the treating of autism and using my son as a Guinea Pig. This I find amazing and am very grateful for.
She has since referred my Hubby and I for marriage therapy. And even tho I was thinking divorce was in my future...therapy has helped us both. We are closer than ever and are finally working as a team most of the time with our kids. Both of us are committed to each other and to be better people, a better couple and better parents.
But, last Monday, while sitting for hours taking tests and then having them analyzed and talking to the psychologist....I saw things that my other therapists have said. But, this time I got it.
So, how to explain it? I was just trying to explain it to my Hubby. And now...I think I need to explain it to myself.
This week, I was plagued with several days of hives, I have had a pretty high pain level (I have fibromyalgia and yes, it is real), not sleeping well, and several other lovely aches, pains and yuckie things. The psychologist said things in a way that explains why....I missed so many things or really...ran so fast from them, I never saw what the Hell was going on. Like autism, I can't even begin to say what I put up with from my maternal family, and it goes back to the death of my son & 1st hubby and my childhood.
I have become the perfect illusionist. I can have horror right in front of me...and disguise it or create a smoke screen in such a way that I don't see it. How you say? I am still figuring that out. But, I know the smoke screens are going away and so are the disguises. I have stopped running and performing the big picture show...so that I can start to see my life.
I became the perfect volunteer parent. I became Errand Girl...the problem fixer. I became a human backwards tornado....instead of creating havoc, I can make it be perfection. I truly can perform miracles and did it everyday...except for me and my family. I was out saving the world so that I didn't see that my world was crumbling. My world was waving a white flag and I didn't see it.
It's kind of my pattern I am seeing. I started young. Creating the illusion of a perfect student, so that no one would look past it and see the molestations, the crazy Mom, the non-existent father, the weird situations that my family life was involved in and how my family of origin functioned....or really didn't. I worked my ass off to build up many smoke screens so that no one ever even thought to look. I have been doing this for 40 some odd years.
You talk to anyone that knows me and they will tell you....I get shit done!
But, the first time the smoke cleared...just a little......on October 22, 2012 and it rained...it was enough to see that my son was not just an odd duck....there was something wrong! And now, I look back and see that it was wrong for many years...I just wouldn't, couldn't see it.
So, I made the decision to stop. Stop running. Stop the smoke screens...even tho I really didn't get that I was creating them. Learn to be still...and see. Stop and take inventory of my life. Stop saving the world and save me and my family.
But, stopping is not easy. Creating smoke screens and saving the world is a drug. It's a drug that makes it feel OK. It gives me the sense that I got it....I am rocking it. And now...now that I am stopping....all that baggage, all that pain - physical & mental, all that vision...is here. I have been running from it....but its been about a mile down the road, following me in a moving truck. And folks....it's here.
This week, I am seeing more and more. The other day...I missed a weight group meeting with my therapist because I took sooooo many Diphenhydramine for crazy, itchy hives that I passed out. I didn't know why I was itchy...But, I was drawing blood I was scratching so much. The next day, I took Nash in to see her and she looked at me and said what is happening to you? I didn't know.
On Thursday, I had my meeting with the therapist. I had my epiphany! I saw it and she explained it. All the pain and suffering I have been running from...is here :) So, I looked at her and said....fuck this! No, I don't have time to do this now. And she asked me if I was going to run some more...because if I was....I could. But, it won't go away! It will follow me and rear its ugly head again or...I can feel it now. Deal with it. Quit playing games and face my shit.
Obviously, I stopped running a little while ago because the fibromyalgia that I have had and thought it was a made up disease, reared its ugly head. And I hurt! I have invisible hives. Oh, I have it all. I have had horrid pain that all I could do was cry in bed. And from what I am told...I can't choose to feel one thing at a time.....it's black or white. Feel nothing or feel everything
All the pain I never allowed myself to feel...I am feeling now. And if I choose to stop it.....I can....but it will come back.
I am fifty now...and I hurt! And I am going to consciously allow myself to hurt. I am NOT enjoying it. But, I know it will get better. And I am going to learn things about me and about my family. Once I feel it all......I will be done. So....wish me well. Know that while I am limping....its not about what happened today, I am just learning from my past.
And I am NOT going to go out and save the world! I wrote the new SSS President that even tho I said I would be available for things......I can't. It's my drug of choice. Who would turn down saving the world? Me. Because I have to. I must for my family. I must for me. I can NOT bring out my cape...it is retired until I can use it for "my good".
Today, was uncontrollable burning muscles and joints. I survived. But, you MUST know....feeling sucks! I am assured that the more I feel, the easier it will get. Funny how things happen. How our brains work.
So, I will be feeling.
I am going to have bariatric surgery in (fingers crossed) November. If you are not familiar with the term....I am having the fat surgery. I used to think it was cheating life. If you couldn't lose the weight on your own...you had to suffer and stay fat because that is what you deserve....hum, sounds like someone from my past. But, I have been looking at it for 2 years...not ready to make such a drastic decision...thinking I really needed to just suffer and be buried in a piano box like I was always told.
For the last 4 years...I have been in therapy. The first year it was once a week...then it slacked off...and then I took about a year off. Then I had to go back. I found someone I gelled with better, someone who would hold me accountable and really help me. And because of my time with her, I have had her see my daughter because if I am fucked up...how can I NOT fuck up my kids? I am assured my daughter is pretty normal....consider being raised by me :)
Then last year I asked her to see my 7 year old son. Over time we learned that my son has autism and ADHD. She is working with my son and me to learn and deal with it. And because of my son and other patients, she is learning more about the treating of autism and using my son as a Guinea Pig. This I find amazing and am very grateful for.
She has since referred my Hubby and I for marriage therapy. And even tho I was thinking divorce was in my future...therapy has helped us both. We are closer than ever and are finally working as a team most of the time with our kids. Both of us are committed to each other and to be better people, a better couple and better parents.
But, last Monday, while sitting for hours taking tests and then having them analyzed and talking to the psychologist....I saw things that my other therapists have said. But, this time I got it.
So, how to explain it? I was just trying to explain it to my Hubby. And now...I think I need to explain it to myself.
This week, I was plagued with several days of hives, I have had a pretty high pain level (I have fibromyalgia and yes, it is real), not sleeping well, and several other lovely aches, pains and yuckie things. The psychologist said things in a way that explains why....I missed so many things or really...ran so fast from them, I never saw what the Hell was going on. Like autism, I can't even begin to say what I put up with from my maternal family, and it goes back to the death of my son & 1st hubby and my childhood.
I have become the perfect illusionist. I can have horror right in front of me...and disguise it or create a smoke screen in such a way that I don't see it. How you say? I am still figuring that out. But, I know the smoke screens are going away and so are the disguises. I have stopped running and performing the big picture show...so that I can start to see my life.
I became the perfect volunteer parent. I became Errand Girl...the problem fixer. I became a human backwards tornado....instead of creating havoc, I can make it be perfection. I truly can perform miracles and did it everyday...except for me and my family. I was out saving the world so that I didn't see that my world was crumbling. My world was waving a white flag and I didn't see it.
It's kind of my pattern I am seeing. I started young. Creating the illusion of a perfect student, so that no one would look past it and see the molestations, the crazy Mom, the non-existent father, the weird situations that my family life was involved in and how my family of origin functioned....or really didn't. I worked my ass off to build up many smoke screens so that no one ever even thought to look. I have been doing this for 40 some odd years.
You talk to anyone that knows me and they will tell you....I get shit done!
But, the first time the smoke cleared...just a little......on October 22, 2012 and it rained...it was enough to see that my son was not just an odd duck....there was something wrong! And now, I look back and see that it was wrong for many years...I just wouldn't, couldn't see it.
So, I made the decision to stop. Stop running. Stop the smoke screens...even tho I really didn't get that I was creating them. Learn to be still...and see. Stop and take inventory of my life. Stop saving the world and save me and my family.
But, stopping is not easy. Creating smoke screens and saving the world is a drug. It's a drug that makes it feel OK. It gives me the sense that I got it....I am rocking it. And now...now that I am stopping....all that baggage, all that pain - physical & mental, all that vision...is here. I have been running from it....but its been about a mile down the road, following me in a moving truck. And folks....it's here.
This week, I am seeing more and more. The other day...I missed a weight group meeting with my therapist because I took sooooo many Diphenhydramine for crazy, itchy hives that I passed out. I didn't know why I was itchy...But, I was drawing blood I was scratching so much. The next day, I took Nash in to see her and she looked at me and said what is happening to you? I didn't know.
On Thursday, I had my meeting with the therapist. I had my epiphany! I saw it and she explained it. All the pain and suffering I have been running from...is here :) So, I looked at her and said....fuck this! No, I don't have time to do this now. And she asked me if I was going to run some more...because if I was....I could. But, it won't go away! It will follow me and rear its ugly head again or...I can feel it now. Deal with it. Quit playing games and face my shit.
Obviously, I stopped running a little while ago because the fibromyalgia that I have had and thought it was a made up disease, reared its ugly head. And I hurt! I have invisible hives. Oh, I have it all. I have had horrid pain that all I could do was cry in bed. And from what I am told...I can't choose to feel one thing at a time.....it's black or white. Feel nothing or feel everything
All the pain I never allowed myself to feel...I am feeling now. And if I choose to stop it.....I can....but it will come back.
I am fifty now...and I hurt! And I am going to consciously allow myself to hurt. I am NOT enjoying it. But, I know it will get better. And I am going to learn things about me and about my family. Once I feel it all......I will be done. So....wish me well. Know that while I am limping....its not about what happened today, I am just learning from my past.
And I am NOT going to go out and save the world! I wrote the new SSS President that even tho I said I would be available for things......I can't. It's my drug of choice. Who would turn down saving the world? Me. Because I have to. I must for my family. I must for me. I can NOT bring out my cape...it is retired until I can use it for "my good".
Today, was uncontrollable burning muscles and joints. I survived. But, you MUST know....feeling sucks! I am assured that the more I feel, the easier it will get. Funny how things happen. How our brains work.
So, I will be feeling.
FEELING SUCKS!
Friday, August 2, 2013
have you ever done something for someone...just cuz?
I met this young, adorable couple at my job a couple of weeks a go. I liked from their first couple of words. They were little special people you could tell. They are moving up here from San Diego for the hubby to go to school and learn how to run a backpacking type business. He was in the war and is using his benefits to go back to school...and found a school that teaches what he wants to do in our community.
They made the decision to move here and the next day...drove up here to find a place to live. I showed them several houses online and gave them the Mom lecture of where to live and not live, how to be safe, where to eat while in town and...what? you have no place to stay yet? They stayed in town a day then went back home. When in my office I gave them my cell phone number just in case something happened up here and they needed help.
I kind of forgot about them and then....a couple of days ago I got a call at the office from them. they were going to be here and need to find a house. They were having a VA award letter faxed to us because they don't have a fax. Yay! The cute couple is coming back.
When they arrived in my office....there was a crowd of people in there...but I saw them gleam when they walked in! My cute couple was back. We talked I showed them a couple of properties online and had another gal take a look at there application to see what range they should stick too. And after I asked all the Mom questions about where they were staying...and also about their wedding that just happened. I asked them if there was anything I could do for them. Britton, the girl, asked me if I was the owner of the van outside? I said yes...why? She said you have an autism magnet on the back of your car...do you do something or are connected to autism in some manner. I smiled...and showed them my Nash. I am a Mom of a boy with autism, I told her.
She smiled and said.....I hate to ask but I need to find a job and I work with children with autism. She told me her credentials,,,and I was in love! I told them...I am the one you needed to meet! I know people in this town. I know I can find you a job! What can I do? I called everyone I know and posted something on facebook. I got that girl leads!
And today, another new tenant came in to move in...she just happens to work in the autism field and they are looking for someone to hire! Boom! I texted her the info. Then she called me back feeling bad. Tammy, we found a house on Craigs List...not with you. And I tell her...great! I hope its the perfect house for them. And that they now have a friend in Sonora. I will have them for dinner and introduce them to people that will make life easier.
When I got home....at dinner...I tell my family. My daughter is always Ms. Negative. She says "Mom, one of these...those people you always help are going to kill you" LOL Really? She says I do too much for everyone and called me a doo-gooder.
So, that's not a bad name! It makes me happy to help people. And I know...they are sweet kids, just doing that crazy thing we all did.........jump. Put everything you have and move somewhere you have never been. Because what have you got to lose? You have the one you love beside you. It's you against the world.
Isn't life about paying it forward? Reaching back and pulling forward? Doing a kindness because you just can.
They made the decision to move here and the next day...drove up here to find a place to live. I showed them several houses online and gave them the Mom lecture of where to live and not live, how to be safe, where to eat while in town and...what? you have no place to stay yet? They stayed in town a day then went back home. When in my office I gave them my cell phone number just in case something happened up here and they needed help.
I kind of forgot about them and then....a couple of days ago I got a call at the office from them. they were going to be here and need to find a house. They were having a VA award letter faxed to us because they don't have a fax. Yay! The cute couple is coming back.
When they arrived in my office....there was a crowd of people in there...but I saw them gleam when they walked in! My cute couple was back. We talked I showed them a couple of properties online and had another gal take a look at there application to see what range they should stick too. And after I asked all the Mom questions about where they were staying...and also about their wedding that just happened. I asked them if there was anything I could do for them. Britton, the girl, asked me if I was the owner of the van outside? I said yes...why? She said you have an autism magnet on the back of your car...do you do something or are connected to autism in some manner. I smiled...and showed them my Nash. I am a Mom of a boy with autism, I told her.
She smiled and said.....I hate to ask but I need to find a job and I work with children with autism. She told me her credentials,,,and I was in love! I told them...I am the one you needed to meet! I know people in this town. I know I can find you a job! What can I do? I called everyone I know and posted something on facebook. I got that girl leads!
And today, another new tenant came in to move in...she just happens to work in the autism field and they are looking for someone to hire! Boom! I texted her the info. Then she called me back feeling bad. Tammy, we found a house on Craigs List...not with you. And I tell her...great! I hope its the perfect house for them. And that they now have a friend in Sonora. I will have them for dinner and introduce them to people that will make life easier.
When I got home....at dinner...I tell my family. My daughter is always Ms. Negative. She says "Mom, one of these...those people you always help are going to kill you" LOL Really? She says I do too much for everyone and called me a doo-gooder.
So, that's not a bad name! It makes me happy to help people. And I know...they are sweet kids, just doing that crazy thing we all did.........jump. Put everything you have and move somewhere you have never been. Because what have you got to lose? You have the one you love beside you. It's you against the world.
Isn't life about paying it forward? Reaching back and pulling forward? Doing a kindness because you just can.
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