humming the Rocky tune as I strut my stuff :)

If you are one of my readers and are friends and family but not really sure about the whole autism thing....this might be a boring look into my life  :)  Or you might...just get an understanding of Nash.

For the last year...we have acknowledged Nash and his more than quirky behavior.  We also have accepted that his quirks have a label....autism.  I personally am reading and studying everything I can get my hands on or lay my eyes on.  I am devouring every word I can get.  Hubby...is much slower but in his defense, there are a million reasons why he is behind.  Not to be easy on him....because this war is a win or die kind of thing  :)

he is sooooo cute!

My little boy...that sweet faced cherub....is a controlling bastard!  Don't get all upset.  I love my son!  But, he is an ass.  He can get (our former behavior therapist, Susan called it) stuck on stupid.  Unless you see it in action and are in-tuned to his act...you just might think he is very dumb.  Or we, as parents, are horribly mean.  But, if you study it more you will see the stupidity....the control.

Why does he do this???  Man...I have no idea.  I saw it coming tonight.  I saw it.  I called it.  I got Hubby to witness it.  Of course then I had to explain the entire deal to Hubby after it was over....but I won!  I refused to let this little man....that cherub face control this house...anymore!

Nash has been controlling every aspect of us, the dogs, our daughter....and this is just how damned smart he is!  It is hard to detect....and then when you see it....you can't believe it!  And then...it is so good....you can't out smart it!

My story..................

At 6:30pm, Nash came out of his bath, all smelling good and looking all cute in his jammies.  He walks over to sit next to me and our dog Charlie is there. (Back story...Charlie is an abused dog that was rescued by me....he is very sweet but very traumatized)  Charlie sits up to say hi to Nash...and Nash punches him.  I stop everything...and tell Nash to apologize to Charlie and to promise to never do this again.  Nash sits down and refuses.  I tell him to apologize now!  He meanly says I'm sorry, then looks at me and Hubby...and says I hate you both.

That's it.  I tell Nash this is unacceptable and he will serve a 15 minute time out.  We have a chair that is set away from us but see-able to watch him while in a time out.  He walks over mumbling how he hates us...saying we can't do this.  He sits.  And then demands that I set the kitchen microwave timer.  As petty as this sounds....I know, this is do or die!

I look over to Hubby and tell him....battle stations.  Oblivion to him  :)

I set my iPhone, so I can watch the time....but not Nash.  Normally, when the timer gets close to his punishment being over....he will self-inflict his own punishment.  Stay in the time out longer...taking control of the punishment.  I have always felt powerless over this.  Everything I do...he ends up controlling and I give up.

NOT TODAY BUCKO!

At about 2 minutes before the end of his time-out, I tell him it is almost over.  When the alarm sounds, he is to get up from the chair, admit that the time-out is over, sit on the couch and not mention the punishment.  I look to Hubby...I tell him...do or die Buddy!  Get on board.  Shit is hitting the fan!

The timer goes off and Nash refuses to get out of the seat.  He...folks...is stuck!  He is stuck on stupid!  He says he is still in a time out and can't leave the seat!  Nope...my friend...battle is on!  I shut off the television and all but one light.  I know...that this is now WAR!  I order him to sit in front of me.  He finally does.  I lay out orders...and he refuses to acknowledge them!  I tell him...he will join us in the living room and watch TV or he will take his pills and go to bed...NOW!

I look to Hubby.....no words but the look is...are you backing me up??  I say one more time to Nash, you are NOT in charge, you will do as I say.  You will join us in the living room or take your pills and go to bed!  Nash stands to attempt to hit me.  Hubby stands next to me, showing force!  I say my order again!  Nash finally backs down but Hubby does not move!  YES!  I GIVE HIM THE ORDER AGAIN....HE WAVERS...HE WAVERS.......he starts to back down.  I have him.  His routine, his stuck on stupid will now work in my favor!

I stand, Nash stands...he walks over to his pills.  I am NOT believing what I am seeing.  I stand across from him at the counter.  I say again.....you will join us or take your pills and go to bed.

This is it.  Eye to eye!  I do NOT blink!  He holds his pills....and says....I will go to bed but you can't tuck me in!  He takes his pills!  I am victorious!

He walks off...yelling that we need to call security!  CALL SECURITY!  Hubby, right behind him says...Buddy, I am your security!

OMG!  Now...if you don't get autism....then right now, you are thinking...this is one fucked up woman!  But, if you know autism....you are hearing the Rocky tune right now!  You can see my arms held up......da da da da da da dat duh!

And yes folks.....I won!

I will get the control back....I will take my house back!  I will not be ruled by autism!

asking for something.....can be the raping of your soul

For the last 6 months...we have been told to file for disability for Nash.  To get assistance.  It's a hard one to swallow but, we finally got up the guts to start the process. 

It's a kind of paper - rape process...yes, that word is rape.  You fill out all kinds of paperwork, then go into the SSI building and have everything you own man-handled and gone thru by their security guard.  Then you sit in an empty room and wait. 

They finally call your number, take you into a very bleak, very grey, sad room and sit you in a grey compartment.  That compartment has nothing but grey, 2 seats facing a grey person...who tells you he is not getting paid for his day there because our government is shutdown. 

So now, this unpaid grey person has a ton of questions we have to answer...personal questions.  Like has Nash served any time in prison?  Has he held a job?  Is he on parole?  When did we know there was something wrong with Nash?  Do we have life insurance, if so how much?  How much money do we make?  Do we have more children that we would like to see if we can get SSI for?  Would we like to apply for SSI?  My favorite was...wow, you got a lot from your first husbands death...you wont get that much now.

And when grey man is done...he excuses himself from the grey compartment.  We wait in the grey room.  Then he comes back and tells us that altho we have laid our pathetic life out for him to scrutinize.......we blew it.  Sorry you make far too much money.  But, should you divorce and Mom take full custody...we can reformulate. 

What?  Really?  What??

But, no worries.....when Nash becomes of age, we can file again.

So, we are doing everything we can now to make sure he never has to need this.  He will be a productive member of society....if it kills me, you and all of your friends.  It will never come to that.

I never, ever want to do this again.

This past year...we have laid out our lives, opened up our souls to people to help our son.  We have been laughed at, lied to, pointed in very many wrong ways, told to buck up, go find a sport, be a better parent, give up meat, give up the color blue, don't use dye based anything, vaccines are how we fucked up our child,  I was a bad mother...I did too much or I didn't do enough, I am too old and should have thought about what I was doing when I had a baby at 42....and of course one of the reasons why I don't speak to my family.....I should have had an abortion.

So, I have a son who I love, who is a little different.  Who gets a little over spun by anxiety.  Who goes from soft & cuddly to a screaming lunatic in mere seconds.  Who's favorite target for his rage is me.  I am not counting the injuries because then...I would have to admit them.  And it's embarrassing to admit that your 8 year old son scares you and hurts you.  And you are embarrassed to go to the doctor with damaged body parts because you don't want to have to tell anyone.

These past many months...........we have been interviewed, examined, tested, evaluated, watched, taught....and still.....we don't have much to show for it.  We got approved for some aid but first we have to pay them, then we would get a little respite, but how good is it when sending your child off with someone would only cause more anxiety for him which in turn will lead to more anxiety at home and probably more violence against me?  Or someone not safe around my child.  And having to live with it because that's what they recommend.

Anyway....this may not make sense.....but today felt like a rape.  A rape of my soul.  And when it was over...I was left feeling dirty and stupid and used.