Monday, August 12, 2013

Buying Miss Pissy Pants behind me coffee!

Sunday....Hubby and I were having a nice "sharing of info" conversation that ended weirdly.  Not badly...just weirdly.  He walked away and I went to bed.  Nothing bad was said......nothing was said. comes Monday morning.

The air feels weird.

I do the whole, shower, hair & face, get dressed and walk down the hall to face the war. 

I say war.  I am the general of this mission.  I set up strategy every minute, every moment I am awake because I never know when a  missile will launch, or a case of friendly fire will occur.  If I am awake....I am the strategist!

Hubby and I have been at odds about food.  Both my kids really only eat ten things.  Seriously!  When we got married many moons ago....he was serious that Sophie would eat anything put on her plate.  As a child that was forced to eat what was prepared or stay up all night until it was eaten...I have issues with it. 

I was always on some strange diet to "not be fat" but meal time was not a pleasant thing growing up.  This where your flaws or frailties were put on display for the other family members to rip it and you apart.  This is where punishments were doled out, grades were discussed and reprimands for anything from how you smell, anything you did or didn't do at any time to someones pissed and you crying will make me feel better.

So, I don't like to talk at meal time nor do I like to discuss anything  that will cause pain.  So, my kids picky eating....I just don't address unless forced to.  Hubby...wants our children to be more adventurous about food.  It's hard to be adventurous with 10 items on your menu.

So, we came to odds last night.  Not a fight....just a.....I am not fighting your fight.  I refuse.  You have deal with them.  You have my blessing but I will be on the sidelines of this one.

So, this a fool....I asked how he felt and if we were at odds???  He said no....but...

No....but....means yes!

I ended up leaving for work....very....pissy!

I get in my lovely van...and blast Maroon 5.  I am tapping my fingers and enjoying the vibrations.....I am starting to feel a little better. 

I get to the Starbucks drive thru and wait.  I crawl along....and when I was a second late to move.  The old lady behind me honks.  Then honks 2 more times.  WTF?  I look in my rear view mirror to see an older lady looking like she is having a really crappy day.  I watch her...and she honks one more time.  Really?  There is no place for me to go!  I have 3 people in front of me!  I am thinking...I can throw my bad ass mini van in park and go back and rip her up!  The more I think about it, the better I am feeling.  We move up again...and again another honk.  I look back again and this time....I am getting her!  Then the car in front of me pulls out and I am at the window.

Its cute red headed Wes!  He is adorable and he asks...are you having a good Monday?  I look at him and say no!  And neither is Miss Pissy Pants in the car behind me!  He looks out at the old lady and says yeah, she is always crabby!

That does it...lets really give her something to be crabby about!  I buy her coffee!  I tell Wes that Miss Pissy Pants coffee is on me today!  That'll teach her!  That will turn that frown upside down!

Instantly...I am no longer pissy because I took the air out of someone else's pissy balloon.  Now....I am smiling!  I did a good thing....and maybe made someones day...or ruined their reason to be pissy! 

I love when a good deed can be good and a little evil  :)

Saturday, August 3, 2013

finally stopped runnning...and now it all catches up

If you KNOW know my life is interesting.  Even the Psychologist I sat with last Monday who gave me a battery of tests was amazed at what I have been thru and how normal I test out  :)

I am going to have bariatric surgery in (fingers crossed) November.  If you are not familiar with the term....I am having the fat surgery.  I used to think it was cheating life.  If you couldn't lose the weight on your had to suffer and stay fat because that is what you deserve....hum, sounds like someone from my past.  But, I have been looking at it for 2 years...not ready to make such a drastic decision...thinking I really needed to just suffer and be buried in a piano box like I was always told.

For the last 4 years...I have been in therapy.  The first year it was once a week...then it slacked off...and then I took about a year off.  Then I had to go back.  I found someone I gelled with better, someone who would hold me accountable and really help me.  And because of my time with her, I have had her see my daughter because if I am fucked can I NOT fuck up my kids?  I am assured my daughter is pretty normal....consider being raised by me  :)

Then last year I asked her to see my 7 year old son.  Over time we learned that my son has autism and ADHD.  She is working with my son and me to learn and deal with it.  And because of my son and other patients, she is learning more about the treating of autism and using my son as a Guinea Pig.  This I find amazing and am very grateful for.

She has since referred my Hubby and I for marriage therapy.  And even tho I was thinking divorce was in my future...therapy has helped us both.  We are closer than ever and are finally working as a team most of the time with our kids.  Both of us are committed to each other and to be better people, a better couple and better parents.

But, last Monday, while sitting for hours taking tests and then having them analyzed and talking to the psychologist....I saw things that my other therapists have said.  But, this time I got it.

So, how to explain it?  I was just trying to explain it to my Hubby.   And now...I think I need to explain it to myself.

This week, I was plagued with several days of hives, I have had a pretty high pain level (I have fibromyalgia and yes, it is real), not sleeping well, and several other lovely aches, pains and yuckie things.  The psychologist said things in a way that explains why....I missed so many things or really...ran so fast from them, I never saw what the Hell was going on.  Like autism, I can't even begin to say what I put up with from my maternal family, and it goes back to the death of my son & 1st hubby and my childhood.

I have become the perfect illusionist.  I can have horror right in front of me...and disguise it or create a smoke screen in such a way that I don't see it.  How you say?  I am still figuring that out.  But, I know the smoke screens are going away and so are the disguises.  I have stopped running and performing the big picture that I can start to see my life.

I became the perfect volunteer parent.  I became Errand Girl...the problem fixer.  I became a human backwards tornado....instead of creating havoc, I can make it be perfection.  I truly can perform miracles and did it everyday...except for me and my family.  I was out saving the world so that I didn't see that my world was crumbling.  My world was waving a white flag and I didn't see it.

It's kind of my pattern I am seeing.  I started young.  Creating the illusion of a perfect student, so that no one would look past it and see the molestations, the crazy Mom, the non-existent father, the weird situations that my family life was involved in and how my family of origin functioned....or really didn't.  I worked my ass off to build up many smoke screens so that no one ever even thought to look.  I have been doing this for 40 some odd years.

You talk to anyone that knows me and they will tell you....I get shit done!

But, the first time the smoke cleared...just a little......on October 22, 2012 and it was enough to see that my son was not just an odd duck....there was something wrong!  And now, I look back and see that it was wrong for many years...I just wouldn't, couldn't see it.

So, I made the decision to stop.  Stop running.  Stop the smoke screens...even tho I really didn't get that I was creating them.  Learn to be still...and see.  Stop and take inventory of my life.  Stop saving the world and save me and my family.

But, stopping is not easy.  Creating smoke screens and saving the world is a drug.  It's a drug that makes it feel OK.  It gives me the sense that I got it....I am rocking it.  And that I am stopping....all that baggage, all that pain - physical & mental, all that here.  I have been running from it....but its been about a mile down the road, following me in a moving truck.  And's here.

This week, I am seeing more and more.  The other day...I missed a weight group meeting with my therapist because I took sooooo many Diphenhydramine for crazy, itchy hives that I passed out.  I didn't know why I was itchy...But, I was drawing blood I was scratching so much.  The next day, I took Nash in to see her and she looked at me and said what is happening to you?  I didn't know.

On Thursday, I had my meeting with the therapist.  I had my epiphany!  I saw it and she explained it.  All the pain and suffering I have been running here  :)  So, I looked at her and said....fuck this!  No, I don't have time to do this now.  And she asked me if I was going to run some more...because if I was....I could.  But, it won't go away!  It will follow me and rear its ugly head again or...I can feel it now.  Deal with it.  Quit playing games and face my shit.

Obviously, I stopped running a little while ago because the fibromyalgia that I have had and thought it was a made up disease, reared its ugly head.  And I hurt!  I have invisible hives.  Oh, I have it all.  I have had horrid pain that all I could do was cry in bed.  And from what I am told...I can't choose to feel one thing at a's black or white.  Feel nothing or feel everything

All the pain I never allowed myself to feel...I am feeling now.  And if I choose to stop it.....I can....but it will come back.

I am fifty now...and I hurt!  And I am going to consciously allow myself to hurt.  I am NOT enjoying it.  But, I know it will get better.  And I am going to learn things about me and about my family.  Once I feel it all......I will be done.  So....wish me well.  Know that while I am limping....its not about what happened today, I am just learning from my past.

And I am NOT going to go out and save the world!  I wrote the new SSS President that even tho I said I would be available for things......I can't.  It's my drug of choice.  Who would turn down saving the world?  Me.  Because I have to.  I must for my family.  I must for me.  I can NOT bring out my is retired until I can use it for "my good".

Today, was uncontrollable burning muscles and joints.  I survived.  But, you MUST know....feeling sucks!   I am assured that the more I feel, the easier it will get.  Funny how things happen.  How our brains work. 

So, I will be feeling.


Friday, August 2, 2013

have you ever done something for someone...just cuz?

I met this young, adorable couple at my job a couple of weeks a go.  I liked from their first couple of words.  They were little special people you could tell.  They are moving up here from San Diego for the hubby to go to school and learn how to run a backpacking type business.  He was in the war and is using his benefits to go back to school...and found a school that teaches what he wants to do in our community.

They made the decision to move here and the next day...drove up here to find a place to live.  I showed them several houses online and gave them the Mom lecture of where to live and not live, how to be safe, where to eat while in town and...what?  you have no place to stay yet?  They stayed in town a day then went back home.  When in my office I gave them my cell phone number just in case something happened up here and they needed help.

I kind of forgot about them and then....a couple of days ago I got a call at the office from them.  they were going to be here and need to find a house.  They were having a VA award letter faxed to us because they don't have a fax.  Yay!  The cute couple is coming back.

When they arrived in my office....there was a crowd of people in there...but I saw them gleam when they walked in!  My cute couple was back.  We talked I showed them a couple of properties online and had another gal take a look at there application to see what range they should stick too.  And after I asked all the Mom questions about where they were staying...and also about their wedding that just happened.  I asked them if there was anything I could do for them.  Britton, the girl, asked me if I was the owner of the van outside?  I said yes...why?  She said you have an autism magnet on the back of your you do something or are connected to autism in some manner.  I smiled...and showed them my Nash.  I am a Mom of a boy with autism, I told her.

She smiled and said.....I hate to ask but I need to find a job and I work with children with autism.  She told me her credentials,,,and I was in love!  I told them...I am the one you needed to meet!  I know people in this town.  I know I can find you a job!  What can I do?  I called everyone I know and posted something on facebook.  I got that girl leads!

And today, another new tenant came in to move in...she just happens to work in the autism field and they are looking for someone to hire!  Boom!  I texted her the info.  Then she called me back feeling bad.  Tammy, we found a house on Craigs List...not with you.  And I tell her...great!  I hope its the perfect house for them.  And that they now have a friend in Sonora.  I will have them for dinner and introduce them to people that will make life easier.

When I got dinner...I tell my family.  My daughter is always Ms. Negative.  She says "Mom, one of these...those people you always help are going to kill you"  LOL  Really?  She says I do too much for everyone and called me a doo-gooder. 

So, that's not a bad name!  It makes me happy to help people.  And I know...they are sweet kids, just doing that crazy thing we all did.........jump.  Put everything you have and move somewhere you have never been.  Because what have you got to lose?  You have the one you love beside you.  It's you against the world.

Isn't life about paying it forward?  Reaching back and pulling forward?  Doing a kindness because you just can.