Tuesday, July 30, 2013

back to school shopping

My son.....loves to shop but not for clothing.  He won't try anything on and will only wear certain things.  We shop online for most all of this clothing.

This boy has really grown in the past 2 months!

He has moved from the little boy section to the big boy section.  This....is...going...to...be...a...hard sell!

Nash really is almost 8 years old.....but, mentally is about 3 to 4.  He likes playing with younger kids if they are around and he likes younger things.

The clothes in this new size have characters that my son is not a fan of or doesn't even know.

Can't they make clothing the same in one store for our children.  So that...is my son at the age of 13...wants to wear Superman pajamas, they will be provided, in the same style he is used to.

Sure,,,there are others out there like Nash.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

parenting...on a team

I never wanted to be a parent.  Not that I don't love my children...because I love them more than life itself.  But, I really, never wanted to be a parent.

I don't have high opinions of the parents I grew up knowing and the parents I thought were good parents....never really were around nor would they be MY parent.

So, growing up I never thought about being a parent. 

I never wanted to be married.  I saw the many marriages my family went thru and I never wanted that.  I never dreamed of that white dress.  I never thought about walking down the isle because....I never had anyone that would have walked me down the isle.  So, screw marriage too  :)

So, here I am...married with children.  How did that happen???

It's a long story....but, I want to talk about my marriage and children today.

My daughter was raised solely by me.  I never had to consult anyone else about how to raise because he was dead.  I made decisions alone.  I had advise from family and friends...some good and some really shitty. 

When I met Hubby...I did not want to get married.  I loved him and we got pregnant with Nash but, being married was not for me.  I was fortunate enough to have death benefits from my first marriage so I continued to be a single parent who happened to live with the father of one of my children.  LOL  I know...sounds crazy.

I raised my children and loved Hubby...who was not my Hubby.  I didn't ask his opinion of my parenting and he just went along with what I did because he could NOT oppose me.  And if he did....it was regretted.  Wow...I sound awful but truthful.

Then we got to where we are now.  This is not working for either of us.  5 years ago, I decided to marry Hubby.  Not for pure love but because I needed insurance and he needed deductions.  I thought nothing would change....but everything did.

The more I tried to be independent...the more I couldn't be.  I was married.

Then we flipped roles.  I went to work and Hubby came home after retiring.  And we found autism.  Even tho we flipped roles....I did not budge on doing it all.  It was my cape...my badge...who I was.

Last month...we cracked.  Our marriage cracked and looked like it was going to fail.  And since I was having to actually share parenting...even tho I said I wanted to share...I am learning...I really didn't.  I asked Hubby to be on my team and parent with me....but it had to be by my rules.  Who would do this??  I certainly would NOT!  Hubby went on vacation and while he was gone...I enjoyed it.  I did NOT have to ask anyone anything.  And I told him not to come back.  Can you see how well this was working out??

And as soon as I told him...I was doing this alone....I knew I could.  I have done it before and I could do it again.


I have been alone my whole life!  Do I want to do this?  Do I want to raise another child...alone?  Do I want to be alone again?  What if I try something new.  What If I share?  What is I allow him to be on my team...how he wants to be?  What if....I quit being a jerk.

While he was gone...we talked.  We cried.  We screamed. 

Then he came home.  I had to decide to share.  To be a team.  To be a couple.  To be parents.  To share our children.  OUR CHILDREN. 

This was huge for us...BOTH of us!

Thank God for marriage therapy already in place.  Thank God for individual therapy. 

I am so proud of me and us.  Because if I hadn't decided to be open and to share....I would be divorcing.  I don't ever want to be divorced.  We are negotiating.  Sharing.  Being kind.  Allowing others to voice their opinions.  Wow...how weird.

This is work.  Hard work!  Worthwhile work.  Scary work.  But, my children are benefiting from the hard work and so are we. 

We are both learning to work on a team.  Parenting together.  It's funny...I have always known that I don't have parenting skills yet...I always thought I knew it all and never let anyone help or give me advise.

I told my Hubby to come home smelling like shit because then I would know he got his head out of his ass.  But, you know what?  I smelled like shit too.  I pulled my head out too.

I am learning that marriage is so very hard.  And parenting is hard.  And I never saw anyone get to the other side of the hard part.  And not that we are done.  We are working...we are going thru the hard part, together.  Marriage is hard.   But the work you do when things get hard...makes marriage better.  I never knew the work existed.  I just thought that's when you walked away.

So, have you been to a hard spot in your marriage?  Did you check out or get to work? 

Monday, July 15, 2013

racing mind....lots of changes

can't sleep.

Going to see my 1st of many people to start the road to Bariatric surgery or...the sleeve.  I have been to the seminars...many, many seminars...until I found a surgeon I liked.  Then I met one on one with him.  Now I start the learning to life a new lifestyle.  This is something I have thought about off and on for many years but always thought I could do it on my own.  LOL  Every-time I try to lose weight...I only get bigger.  And now at 50 years old...I either do it now or die soon.  Especially with our new fun...autism in the house and a new mission daily.

I need to be all that I can be....and this ain't cutting it.  So, for the life we are in now...I need to be my best.  And for years....I never cared to live a long life.  I never felt worthy of living a long life or wanted to because it would be a long time that I would have to live a life I was not good enough for.  Or so I always felt.

Watching my daughter and son grow and become these wonderful people....I want to see it until the end.  Not an early end that I always hoped for.  Until the bitter end....where I drive in hard and have life living wear marks not a blob that was just done and tired.

So, I am going to get healthy....not thin.  Just a healthier weight.  Wear purple/lavender/violet hair and be a source to be reckoned with.  I am going to wear my overalls I have been hanging on to and I am going to get a tattoo!  Because I am my own woman.  I don't need my past to validate that life was hard.  I don't need to listen to a Mom tell me I am worthless and feel worthless because my Dad never cared anything about me.  I now know...it had nothing to do with me.  They battled their own demons and I was just there.  I fought to get noticed and never got noticed by the ones I hoped would notice.  I became big with a big mouth to get the notice I craved.  And I am a commanding presence.  I get done what needs to get done but maybe in not the best way.  And maybe that is how I will remain...I don;t know how that will change.  But, I am here and what I say matters.  I will fight for my children and their right to be all that they can be.  And who they are.  And whatever it takes to get them where they want to be.

When I turned 50 last February I wanted to mark the occasion.  I wanted to make it mean something.  And for the life of me....everything I thought just wasn't it.  And I didn't know it wasn't it until I thought again about going ahead with the bariatric surgery.  This change is not only good for me but good for my family.

I want to have the life I was always told I was not good enough for.  Because I am....enough.  I don't need to hide behind this weight because whats inside is not the embarrassment of my childhood.  I never again have to sit at a table for dinner to have my family laugh at me because I was not allowed to eat what they were eating.  It was always OK in my family to make fun of my weight because they always said if I was embarrassed enough....I would change.

Yep...this was me.  I was not FAT!  But, I was told to take cross tops to control my hunger.  I was put on a diet of grapefruit & hard boiled eggs.  I got a spoon full of peanut butter on Saturdays and Sundays as a treat.  And the bonus....my brothers were allowed and encouraged to call me names like "How now brown cow" or "Burtha Butt and the Butt sisters" and if I cried about the names....I was told to lose weight because this was my fault.

My biggest fear about losing weight.....is to NOT look like my Mom!  That is the scariest thing.  I see her there in the mirror.  Growing up I was always told I looked just like her and I would say no I don't.  I am fat!  She never was.  It was how I distanced myself from her.

So now....I am controlling my life and how I feel about it.  I have had many stumbling blocks but I think...after 50 years.....I got this.  I am facing this.  I am enough.