Monday, July 15, 2013

racing mind....lots of changes

can't sleep.

Going to see my 1st of many people to start the road to Bariatric surgery or...the sleeve.  I have been to the seminars...many, many seminars...until I found a surgeon I liked.  Then I met one on one with him.  Now I start the learning to life a new lifestyle.  This is something I have thought about off and on for many years but always thought I could do it on my own.  LOL  Every-time I try to lose weight...I only get bigger.  And now at 50 years old...I either do it now or die soon.  Especially with our new fun...autism in the house and a new mission daily.

I need to be all that I can be....and this ain't cutting it.  So, for the life we are in now...I need to be my best.  And for years....I never cared to live a long life.  I never felt worthy of living a long life or wanted to because it would be a long time that I would have to live a life I was not good enough for.  Or so I always felt.

Watching my daughter and son grow and become these wonderful people....I want to see it until the end.  Not an early end that I always hoped for.  Until the bitter end....where I drive in hard and have life living wear marks not a blob that was just done and tired.

So, I am going to get healthy....not thin.  Just a healthier weight.  Wear purple/lavender/violet hair and be a source to be reckoned with.  I am going to wear my overalls I have been hanging on to and I am going to get a tattoo!  Because I am my own woman.  I don't need my past to validate that life was hard.  I don't need to listen to a Mom tell me I am worthless and feel worthless because my Dad never cared anything about me.  I now had nothing to do with me.  They battled their own demons and I was just there.  I fought to get noticed and never got noticed by the ones I hoped would notice.  I became big with a big mouth to get the notice I craved.  And I am a commanding presence.  I get done what needs to get done but maybe in not the best way.  And maybe that is how I will remain...I don;t know how that will change.  But, I am here and what I say matters.  I will fight for my children and their right to be all that they can be.  And who they are.  And whatever it takes to get them where they want to be.

When I turned 50 last February I wanted to mark the occasion.  I wanted to make it mean something.  And for the life of me....everything I thought just wasn't it.  And I didn't know it wasn't it until I thought again about going ahead with the bariatric surgery.  This change is not only good for me but good for my family.

I want to have the life I was always told I was not good enough for.  Because I am....enough.  I don't need to hide behind this weight because whats inside is not the embarrassment of my childhood.  I never again have to sit at a table for dinner to have my family laugh at me because I was not allowed to eat what they were eating.  It was always OK in my family to make fun of my weight because they always said if I was embarrassed enough....I would change.

Yep...this was me.  I was not FAT!  But, I was told to take cross tops to control my hunger.  I was put on a diet of grapefruit & hard boiled eggs.  I got a spoon full of peanut butter on Saturdays and Sundays as a treat.  And the brothers were allowed and encouraged to call me names like "How now brown cow" or "Burtha Butt and the Butt sisters" and if I cried about the names....I was told to lose weight because this was my fault.

My biggest fear about losing to NOT look like my Mom!  That is the scariest thing.  I see her there in the mirror.  Growing up I was always told I looked just like her and I would say no I don't.  I am fat!  She never was.  It was how I distanced myself from her.

So now....I am controlling my life and how I feel about it.  I have had many stumbling blocks but I think...after 50 years.....I got this.  I am facing this.  I am enough.

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