trying to be not a "Mommy" Mom...failed

My 15 1/2 year old daughter is preparing for Middle College. At the first meeting with all of the new parents and students....I was told that I am to start treating my child as if she were an adult.  I can not make her decisions for her.  I can NOT find out any information about anything she is doing at the college...because in all intents and purposes...she is an adult.

Last week she sat with NOT the counselor assigned to help students choose their classes for the Fall semester.  Sophie came home telling me that her NOT counselor thought it would be a really great idea to take a night class her first time at a college.  6PM to 9PM.

When I was told...I did NOT flip out.  I told Sophie that I thought having a 5 hour break and being at the college at night was a bad idea.  Asked her how she thought she was going to get home at 9pm in the evening?  She is 15....and will still be 15 when she starts in the Fall.

We have tried to learn how to drive but the motivation is not there.  At this point, she really does not want to learn.  I get it...I didn't either.

So, how will she be getting home from a 9PM class?  Hum.......  The bus does not run that late.  Mommy is on the other side of the hill and will be in her jammies at 9PM.  And what other people will be at school at 9PM?  NOT people I would like my 15 year old baby to see.

Our community college that she will be attending...at the age of 15......is a very rural place.  With trees.  BIG TREES!  And adults.  OK...men!

I have been understanding, I have asked why she needs to take this particular class at night.  Why would anyone want to take a class at night after waiting 5 hours?  What in the HELL was that counselor thinking?  I have asked Sophie....in every conceivably nice way....why this needed to happen.  Tonight during dinner I asked if I could look thru the catalog of classes to see if I could find a more appropriate class at a better time...just to help.  Maybe I have fresh eyes.

I handed her my choices.....and asked her to go to her room and "just think" about my suggestions.  Because my daughter is much like me....speaks before she thinks.  She speaks.  I ask her to please think about what she is saying and don't just "poo poo" my ideas.  She becomes a condescending person because SHE has sat with and talked with the counselors at both the high school and the college and...THEY...all know what ...THEY....are doing.

I am done.  I am tired of treating my baby as if she is an adult.  She is not.  She is and always has been 1 year behind her peers and yet looks like she is ahead of them.  Most are shocked when they hear her age.  She is MY BABY.  And it is now time to be a MOMMY!

Sophie starts to explain that this is what her counselor set up and she was fine with it.  So, I look my baby in the eyes....and say....THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY MY BABY WILL BE ON A COLLEGE CAMPUS AT NIGHT!  The counselor that helped her make this decision will be getting a phone call because she did a very bad counseling job with my child.  And the other counselors had better step up and help me correct this because this is stupid! 

What kind of person can think it is appropriate for a 15 year old to be on campus...at night!?!?!?!?!?  Her first year ever being anywhere.

So, I cried.  I finally just looked at Sophie and said....THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY!  THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN!  OVER MY DEAD BODY!  Sophie is a nice child.  She never wants to get in anyone's way or cause someone to have to do more than they should.  Sophie tells me that this is done...and she will live with it.  Oh, my little precious  :)

This is MY JOB!

In the morning...every counselor will be called that was SUPPOSED to counsel my child...and those that DID counsel my child.  And this will be taken care of.  Thank you very much.  There will be hoops to jump and papers to change...and I will be nice and accommodating.  But, next time...they will think twice before they encourage a 15 year old to take a night class.

In the Fall....they can lecture me on letting her be an adult....not now!

Memorial Weekend

This weekend has been long already....good but long.

Yesterday, I got to spend the morning with my BFF...Debi.  Where we laughed till we cried and pee'd our pants.  We had breakfast, and talked..........then went to the soap store in Columbia.  Just like we used to do when our girls were in Kindergarten & 1st grade.  Gosh, I miss those days of leisure.  Me, a single parent(widowed) and Debi...a single during the week parent (Hubby worked in the City during the week)

Now, we both work.  I have a husband and another child....and no free-time like we used to have.  We would drop our girls off at school and then go and sit at Starbucks all morning until it was time to pick them up.  I had started a soap making business...making Castile soap & the melt & pour.  I taught Debi how to make soap.  I sold my wears all over town...I loved making soap! 

I also was very artistic.  I would paint furniture artistically.  I got hired by many people in town to paint rooms and paint furniture.  God...I loved it!  I won several ribbons at the local fair for my soaps and furniture  :)

Anyway...I ended up giving my soap business to my Mom because she needs to make some money.  She never paid for it...and ran it into the ground.  But, I miss it.

Those were the days.  I didn't know how simple life was....because it just was.

Now, I am busy all day and all night with family...mainly our son.  I miss my daughter and see that by the time I get back to her...she will be college bound and gone.

Nash announced to me today that he will live with me forever!  So, now I know....I am never going to sleep during the night...ever!

Anyway...I also spent time with my other BFF and got a hair cut....and got to hear everything that is going on. 

I am so fortunate to have my friends in my life.  I felt renewed and ready for the battle when I got home.

Autism...and Disneyland. Really? What the HELL was I thinking!

We have had a pretty crappy year.

1. Hubby retired and we took a bigger financial hit than we thought
2. my business closed because of Hubby's retirement
3. our son is diagnosed with Autism
4. every one ended up in therapy!
5. and the year...is not even half over  :)

So, we needed a family bonding vacation.  We needed fun!  We needed no one else but just teh four of us.  We needed Disneyland!

Most people who know about Autism...told us this was not the year for Disneyland.  We said...oh, it won't be that bad.  Sadly...me more than Hubby....said...they don't know what they are talking about.

Ok...you all know what you are talking about....and now I get it!

We got thru the first leg our our Disneyland trip.  We always stay at our timeshare wherever we go WorldMark by Wyndham  We have been owners for 6 years and nothing is like staying at WorldMark!

The condo was amazing and so was our first day in California Adventures!

As you can see...we had a ball!

But, Disneyland.....was packed with Grad Night kids, band kids.....oh, it was AWFUL!  So bad in fact, I called and complained to Disneyland and they are returning our tickets to us.  So, very awesome!

But, it was exhausting! 

No, this is not the vacation I had hoped for.

But, we now have something to laugh at ourselves over...and know...next time...just be drunk!  that way we won't care  :)

 

ok....this is not like me...but.....I am going to give up control

I have been making myself crazy for the past 6 months.

My world has been rocked....more times than I care to count in the past 5 to 6 years.

This past year I have done everything I can to make the diagnosis of Nash....better.  Better for him, better for me better for anyone involved.

I have stressed out about him, the school, preparing for his IEP, making sure he has the BEST IEP, spinning cotton candy around every one and everything...so that life will be ok.

And from my point of view...everyone is pretty ok...and I am a wreak.

I am going to try to let this go.

I am not a professional IEP writer, I know almost nothing about Autism, I don't know anything about meds, getting a diagnosis, what will happen in 12 years and how I can do to make what happens in 12 years better.

I have slowly been going to hell...in a hand basket!

I have been making myself crazy.

I am a mess!

I am trying to save the world and my little corner of it...and its not my job.  And if it is my job...well...I am fucking it up!

I am tired.  I am done.  I can't make this better.  I can't make Autism go away.  I can't make my family OK with what our life has become.  I do NOT have a magic wand to make it all better.  And yes...I have tried.

Here I stand.  I give up control.  I can't save the world nor can I save my family or my son.  This is going to be what it is.  No, I do NOT like what the fuck is going on.  I do NOT like this change I and my family are going thru.  I hate it!  I HATE IT!  And I have spent every minute of this past 6 months trying to understand it, make it better, make others feel OK about what my family is going thru.

I can't breath.  I hurt everywhere.  I ache every minute of every day!  I can't sleep because I feel like I can find the miracle....the miracle that will make this better.

I can't find or produce the miracle.

I am tired.

I wave my white flag

I am done.  I am going to hold out my hands...and ask God to take the wheel.  Because I am tired of driving and have no idea where to go.

wow...rough times......and still walking

This has been a shitty, shitty week!  Yes, I know there are people out there with much shittier lives and I hope they have an outlet...but this is mine!

Monday - April 29th  

I was up most of the night with intestinal fun and cleaning up my dog Elvis' intestinal fun.

This was also the 16th anniversary of the day my 1st husband died.  And honestly....to those that say "time heals all wounds".....a cut heals....a broken heart is forever broken.  Time distances you from the day but the day never leaves your mind or heart.  Ever!

Some years it's bearable, some years I am just numb....and some years I ache.  This year has been a tough year for me and a growing, evolving year for our daughter, Sophie.  Also...now...with my mother-in-law passed away...I have no one to share the pain of the day with.  Sophie was only 6 months old when her Daddy died...so, really, the only Daddy she knows is my now husband.  And altho I love that she has a Daddy now....she does not know how hard this day is.  And as much as I love my now husband...and he loves me....he does not know.

1st Hubby, David

This year...the day sucked!

I spent the day nursing myself and my dog.  Elvis seemed like he was getting better later in the day.  He was drinking lots of water and was not vomiting anymore.  I called the vet......they said to wait until the next day to bring him in.

At about 8pm, Elvis was NOT looking good.  His eyes looked tired and deep.  He was restless and moving all over the house to get comfortable.  He was drinking water.  I called the vets they said it still sounded like a bug to wait and bring him in in the morning.  I was worried but hopeful.  Because he was in so much discomfort....I placed him in a laundry basket with his favorite blanket and water.  By 11pm....he was worse.

Tuesday - April 30
I called the vet, he said that Elvis was having seizures and that it was too late to do anything.  That I should just love him until he passed away.  So, I did.  I sat and held him while he continued to seize.  I talked to him and loved him...and held him.  He died at 3am.  My heart again...was broken.  I did not want my children to see him like this.  I woke my husband up and asked him to help me.  He did.

I watched Same Time, Next Year while my husband laid Elvis to rest in his favorite blanket and his favorite toy.  I just sat and watched the movie and sobbed.

Then it was get ready for the day...and telling the kids.  Both...sucked!  Nash with his autism just doesn't get what death is...and my Elvis is not coming back.  Sophie is just sad...even tho Elvis was my dog....everyone loved Elvis.

My Elvis

We also had an appointment with a new child psychologist for Nash in Modesto.  We have been waiting for months to get into him.  He was amazing but.......he gave us the current diagnosis.  And cemented that we have...what we have.

But, something good happened.  My stand in Mom was in the area and stopped by for a hug and kind words.  It made my life at that moment!

I also got the invitations designed for the Staff Appreciation Day next week.  I tried to get them done....but, putting together 80 invitations was more than I could bare.  At the last SSS board meeting one of the board members said she would help.  I normally never ask for help....But, today I did!  I made 2 samples for her to follow.  Printed out everything she would need................and called her!  Thanks Amanda!

 

Wednesday - May 1
My day to prepare for the impending IEP.  And work like a crazy person because I was 2 days now behind at work.

Thursday - May 2

Work is crazy....I am the repairs manager for an up and coming property management company  My boss is awesome...I like the people I work with but it is the 1st of the month.  So, lots of people in and out of the office paying rent, needing receipts, letting us know about their lives and if their homes need anything.  It was a long day...but it went fast!  And it was a co-workers birthday!  So, we all got to go out for lunch and celebrate her day...that was awesome!

And then...at 2pm...it was the IEP.  It went well...I was told it went well by those that were there.  But, I was prepared to have to fight for my child and didn't fight once.  It felt weird and that maybe I had NOT done my job for my child.  I told them I would not sign the paperwork so that I could go over it all and make sure...I covered everything.  It;s Sunday and I still have not been able to read over it yet.

Friday - May 3

I had questions about the IEP so I took them to school.  Luckily I ran into the school psychologist as we were walking into school....I never see her.  I asked if we could talk.  I asked her a couple of questions and she became the stiff, unyielding person I have always thought her to be.  I told her thanks...but I was going to go talk to a real person.  I went into the special education teachers room and she explained my misunderstanding and again...told me not to worry.  I felt better.

I drove thru Starbucks to get my venti black iced tea, no sweetener and called our behavior therapist and asked her some questions and felt better.

Then off to work.  On Fridays I work a full day.  It was a very BUSY DAY!  But, it went by fast.

Saturday - May 4

I don't want to get up...but I have a list of things to do today.

Clean house, order cake and ice cream for Tuesday's Staff Appreciation Day and also Open House & Ice Cream Social...yes, all in the same day.

Then baseball.  Nash plays on a minor B team, which means...machine pitch.  Hubby is assistant coach which makes it easier on Nash.

Then home to eat lunch and off to our appointment with our behavior therapist.  She had an intern with her.....I did NOT make a good impression.  I had to explain about our child, what we are going thru.  Also had to explain this week...and my feeling of total and udder failure!  I cried a lot.  We are not where we are supposed to be with implementing of our training.  I feel bad...because we are paying her a lot of money and not doing what she asks of us.  Then she has to go back over what we have learned and explain to us again why we need to get going.

I came home from our training in tears.....asked my husband if I could just check out.  I laid in bed and sobbed, popped some muscle relaxers and just stayed numb for the next couple of hours.  Hubby made me a perfect dinner of baked potatoes, BBQ'd steak and salad.....and went out and bought me a cake.  Because since I am not a drinker...eating cake makes me feel better  :)  Yes, my Hubby is my co-dependent!

Sunday - May 5

Today...I wake up in pain from fibromyalsia, headache, swollen everywhere....and in tears!  I tell Hubby...I am not getting out bed and am going to sleep.

Eventually I get out of bed because Nash is asking me questions and handing me tissues and wiping my tears.  I have things to do....but I am NOT getting dressed!  So, now I am formalizing the IEP so that I can sign it.  Writing this so that I can think...and doing laundry.

ADHD, autism, anxiety...and the IEP

Today....was our first ever, IEP.

I was nervous.  I was scared.  I really had no idea what it was going to be...or what was going to happen.

I even took a class on how to write a successful IEP.  I have been reading everything I could get my hands on, hired people to help...like our behavior therapist, and talked to parents who had already been thru the process.

I really had no idea what to expect.

But, talking to people in other school districts...ours is awesome!  And I choose to be in this school district....it is not the one I live in.

Everyone sitting at the table...was supportive of my son and us as parents.

Never in a million years did I ever think I would be here.  Never.  And here I am.  Here my son is.  Here we are.

We have a long road ahead of us.  Nash is only 7.  But, it is a road that has many people cheering us on...and I am honored by the support.

I am so proud of us!