Sunday, May 5, 2013

wow...rough times......and still walking

This has been a shitty, shitty week!  Yes, I know there are people out there with much shittier lives and I hope they have an outlet...but this is mine!

Monday - April 29th  

I was up most of the night with intestinal fun and cleaning up my dog Elvis' intestinal fun.

This was also the 16th anniversary of the day my 1st husband died.  And those that say "time heals all wounds".....a cut heals....a broken heart is forever broken.  Time distances you from the day but the day never leaves your mind or heart.  Ever!

Some years it's bearable, some years I am just numb....and some years I ache.  This year has been a tough year for me and a growing, evolving year for our daughter, Sophie. my mother-in-law passed away...I have no one to share the pain of the day with.  Sophie was only 6 months old when her Daddy, really, the only Daddy she knows is my now husband.  And altho I love that she has a Daddy now....she does not know how hard this day is.  And as much as I love my now husband...and he loves me....he does not know.
1st Hubby, David

This year...the day sucked!

I spent the day nursing myself and my dog.  Elvis seemed like he was getting better later in the day.  He was drinking lots of water and was not vomiting anymore.  I called the vet......they said to wait until the next day to bring him in.

At about 8pm, Elvis was NOT looking good.  His eyes looked tired and deep.  He was restless and moving all over the house to get comfortable.  He was drinking water.  I called the vets they said it still sounded like a bug to wait and bring him in in the morning.  I was worried but hopeful.  Because he was in so much discomfort....I placed him in a laundry basket with his favorite blanket and water.  By 11pm....he was worse.

Tuesday - April 30
I called the vet, he said that Elvis was having seizures and that it was too late to do anything.  That I should just love him until he passed away.  So, I did.  I sat and held him while he continued to seize.  I talked to him and loved him...and held him.  He died at 3am.  My heart again...was broken.  I did not want my children to see him like this.  I woke my husband up and asked him to help me.  He did.

I watched Same Time, Next Year while my husband laid Elvis to rest in his favorite blanket and his favorite toy.  I just sat and watched the movie and sobbed.

Then it was get ready for the day...and telling the kids.  Both...sucked!  Nash with his autism just doesn't get what death is...and my Elvis is not coming back.  Sophie is just sad...even tho Elvis was my dog....everyone loved Elvis.

My Elvis
We also had an appointment with a new child psychologist for Nash in Modesto.  We have been waiting for months to get into him.  He was amazing but.......he gave us the current diagnosis.  And cemented that we have...what we have.
But, something good happened.  My stand in Mom was in the area and stopped by for a hug and kind words.  It made my life at that moment!

I also got the invitations designed for the Staff Appreciation Day next week.  I tried to get them done....but, putting together 80 invitations was more than I could bare.  At the last SSS board meeting one of the board members said she would help.  I normally never ask for help....But, today I did!  I made 2 samples for her to follow.  Printed out everything she would need................and called her!  Thanks Amanda!
Wednesday - May 1
My day to prepare for the impending IEP.  And work like a crazy person because I was 2 days now behind at work.

Thursday - May 2

Work is crazy....I am the repairs manager for an up and coming property management company  My boss is awesome...I like the people I work with but it is the 1st of the month.  So, lots of people in and out of the office paying rent, needing receipts, letting us know about their lives and if their homes need anything.  It was a long day...but it went fast!  And it was a co-workers birthday!  So, we all got to go out for lunch and celebrate her day...that was awesome!

And was the IEP.  It went well...I was told it went well by those that were there.  But, I was prepared to have to fight for my child and didn't fight once.  It felt weird and that maybe I had NOT done my job for my child.  I told them I would not sign the paperwork so that I could go over it all and make sure...I covered everything.  It;s Sunday and I still have not been able to read over it yet.

Friday - May 3

I had questions about the IEP so I took them to school.  Luckily I ran into the school psychologist as we were walking into school....I never see her.  I asked if we could talk.  I asked her a couple of questions and she became the stiff, unyielding person I have always thought her to be.  I told her thanks...but I was going to go talk to a real person.  I went into the special education teachers room and she explained my misunderstanding and again...told me not to worry.  I felt better.

I drove thru Starbucks to get my venti black iced tea, no sweetener and called our behavior therapist and asked her some questions and felt better.

Then off to work.  On Fridays I work a full day.  It was a very BUSY DAY!  But, it went by fast.

Saturday - May 4

I don't want to get up...but I have a list of things to do today.

Clean house, order cake and ice cream for Tuesday's Staff Appreciation Day and also Open House & Ice Cream Social...yes, all in the same day.

Then baseball.  Nash plays on a minor B team, which means...machine pitch.  Hubby is assistant coach which makes it easier on Nash.

Then home to eat lunch and off to our appointment with our behavior therapist.  She had an intern with her.....I did NOT make a good impression.  I had to explain about our child, what we are going thru.  Also had to explain this week...and my feeling of total and udder failure!  I cried a lot.  We are not where we are supposed to be with implementing of our training.  I feel bad...because we are paying her a lot of money and not doing what she asks of us.  Then she has to go back over what we have learned and explain to us again why we need to get going.

I came home from our training in tears.....asked my husband if I could just check out.  I laid in bed and sobbed, popped some muscle relaxers and just stayed numb for the next couple of hours.  Hubby made me a perfect dinner of baked potatoes, BBQ'd steak and salad.....and went out and bought me a cake.  Because since I am not a drinker...eating cake makes me feel better  :)  Yes, my Hubby is my co-dependent!

Sunday - May 5

Today...I wake up in pain from fibromyalsia, headache, swollen everywhere....and in tears!  I tell Hubby...I am not getting out bed and am going to sleep.

Eventually I get out of bed because Nash is asking me questions and handing me tissues and wiping my tears.  I have things to do....but I am NOT getting dressed!  So, now I am formalizing the IEP so that I can sign it.  Writing this so that I can think...and doing laundry.


  1. Tammy,There is alot going on in your life right now, and if I could give you a hug right now I would. You are doing a Fantastic job,I also know from experience how hard it is to deal with life and job and kids and extracurricular activites all at once. But just know God only gives you as much as you can handle. (You must be really strong) And all this shall pass!! Lots of Love to you!!! Dawn Bristow

  2. Dawn...thanks. I appreciate the comment. I am looking forward to life calming that school is ending and my time as President is ending. I thank you for your support!

  3. Wow! What a CRAZY week for you. It looks like you actually got through it well, coping the way you could. We all cope in different ways, and I'm glad you found therapy writing here.