Sunday, May 5, 2013

ok....this is not like me...but.....I am going to give up control

I have been making myself crazy for the past 6 months.

My world has been rocked....more times than I care to count in the past 5 to 6 years.

This past year I have done everything I can to make the diagnosis of Nash....better.  Better for him, better for me better for anyone involved.

I have stressed out about him, the school, preparing for his IEP, making sure he has the BEST IEP, spinning cotton candy around every one and that life will be ok.

And from my point of view...everyone is pretty ok...and I am a wreak.

I am going to try to let this go.

I am not a professional IEP writer, I know almost nothing about Autism, I don't know anything about meds, getting a diagnosis, what will happen in 12 years and how I can do to make what happens in 12 years better.

I have slowly been going to a hand basket!

I have been making myself crazy.

I am a mess!

I am trying to save the world and my little corner of it...and its not my job.  And if it is my job...well...I am fucking it up!

I am tired.  I am done.  I can't make this better.  I can't make Autism go away.  I can't make my family OK with what our life has become.  I do NOT have a magic wand to make it all better.  And yes...I have tried.

Here I stand.  I give up control.  I can't save the world nor can I save my family or my son.  This is going to be what it is.  No, I do NOT like what the fuck is going on.  I do NOT like this change I and my family are going thru.  I hate it!  I HATE IT!  And I have spent every minute of this past 6 months trying to understand it, make it better, make others feel OK about what my family is going thru.

I can't breath.  I hurt everywhere.  I ache every minute of every day!  I can't sleep because I feel like I can find the miracle....the miracle that will make this better.

I can't find or produce the miracle.

I am tired.

I wave my white flag
I am done.  I am going to hold out my hands...and ask God to take the wheel.  Because I am tired of driving and have no idea where to go.

1 comment:

  1. Do you have an Educational Advocate close by? Every IEP I've seen has been written by the child's "case worker" (usually a teacher), after reviewing the tests and other processes the children go through to understand their capabilities better. An Advocate might be able to help YOU through it all, and take the reins a little, to help you out.