Sunday, July 28, 2013

parenting...on a team

I never wanted to be a parent.  Not that I don't love my children...because I love them more than life itself.  But, I really, never wanted to be a parent.

I don't have high opinions of the parents I grew up knowing and the parents I thought were good parents....never really were around nor would they be MY parent.

So, growing up I never thought about being a parent. 

I never wanted to be married.  I saw the many marriages my family went thru and I never wanted that.  I never dreamed of that white dress.  I never thought about walking down the isle because....I never had anyone that would have walked me down the isle.  So, screw marriage too  :)

So, here I am...married with children.  How did that happen???

It's a long story....but, I want to talk about my marriage and children today.

My daughter was raised solely by me.  I never had to consult anyone else about how to raise because he was dead.  I made decisions alone.  I had advise from family and friends...some good and some really shitty. 

When I met Hubby...I did not want to get married.  I loved him and we got pregnant with Nash but, being married was not for me.  I was fortunate enough to have death benefits from my first marriage so I continued to be a single parent who happened to live with the father of one of my children.  LOL  I know...sounds crazy.

I raised my children and loved Hubby...who was not my Hubby.  I didn't ask his opinion of my parenting and he just went along with what I did because he could NOT oppose me.  And if he was regretted.  Wow...I sound awful but truthful.

Then we got to where we are now.  This is not working for either of us.  5 years ago, I decided to marry Hubby.  Not for pure love but because I needed insurance and he needed deductions.  I thought nothing would change....but everything did.

The more I tried to be independent...the more I couldn't be.  I was married.

Then we flipped roles.  I went to work and Hubby came home after retiring.  And we found autism.  Even tho we flipped roles....I did not budge on doing it all.  It was my badge...who I was.

Last month...we cracked.  Our marriage cracked and looked like it was going to fail.  And since I was having to actually share parenting...even tho I said I wanted to share...I am learning...I really didn't.  I asked Hubby to be on my team and parent with me....but it had to be by my rules.  Who would do this??  I certainly would NOT!  Hubby went on vacation and while he was gone...I enjoyed it.  I did NOT have to ask anyone anything.  And I told him not to come back.  Can you see how well this was working out??

And as soon as I told him...I was doing this alone....I knew I could.  I have done it before and I could do it again.


I have been alone my whole life!  Do I want to do this?  Do I want to raise another child...alone?  Do I want to be alone again?  What if I try something new.  What If I share?  What is I allow him to be on my he wants to be?  What if....I quit being a jerk.

While he was gone...we talked.  We cried.  We screamed. 

Then he came home.  I had to decide to share.  To be a team.  To be a couple.  To be parents.  To share our children.  OUR CHILDREN. 

This was huge for us...BOTH of us!

Thank God for marriage therapy already in place.  Thank God for individual therapy. 

I am so proud of me and us.  Because if I hadn't decided to be open and to share....I would be divorcing.  I don't ever want to be divorced.  We are negotiating.  Sharing.  Being kind.  Allowing others to voice their opinions. weird.

This is work.  Hard work!  Worthwhile work.  Scary work.  But, my children are benefiting from the hard work and so are we. 

We are both learning to work on a team.  Parenting together.  It's funny...I have always known that I don't have parenting skills yet...I always thought I knew it all and never let anyone help or give me advise.

I told my Hubby to come home smelling like shit because then I would know he got his head out of his ass.  But, you know what?  I smelled like shit too.  I pulled my head out too.

I am learning that marriage is so very hard.  And parenting is hard.  And I never saw anyone get to the other side of the hard part.  And not that we are done.  We are working...we are going thru the hard part, together.  Marriage is hard.   But the work you do when things get hard...makes marriage better.  I never knew the work existed.  I just thought that's when you walked away.

So, have you been to a hard spot in your marriage?  Did you check out or get to work? 

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