Saturday, August 3, 2013

finally stopped runnning...and now it all catches up

If you KNOW know my life is interesting.  Even the Psychologist I sat with last Monday who gave me a battery of tests was amazed at what I have been thru and how normal I test out  :)

I am going to have bariatric surgery in (fingers crossed) November.  If you are not familiar with the term....I am having the fat surgery.  I used to think it was cheating life.  If you couldn't lose the weight on your had to suffer and stay fat because that is what you deserve....hum, sounds like someone from my past.  But, I have been looking at it for 2 years...not ready to make such a drastic decision...thinking I really needed to just suffer and be buried in a piano box like I was always told.

For the last 4 years...I have been in therapy.  The first year it was once a week...then it slacked off...and then I took about a year off.  Then I had to go back.  I found someone I gelled with better, someone who would hold me accountable and really help me.  And because of my time with her, I have had her see my daughter because if I am fucked can I NOT fuck up my kids?  I am assured my daughter is pretty normal....consider being raised by me  :)

Then last year I asked her to see my 7 year old son.  Over time we learned that my son has autism and ADHD.  She is working with my son and me to learn and deal with it.  And because of my son and other patients, she is learning more about the treating of autism and using my son as a Guinea Pig.  This I find amazing and am very grateful for.

She has since referred my Hubby and I for marriage therapy.  And even tho I was thinking divorce was in my future...therapy has helped us both.  We are closer than ever and are finally working as a team most of the time with our kids.  Both of us are committed to each other and to be better people, a better couple and better parents.

But, last Monday, while sitting for hours taking tests and then having them analyzed and talking to the psychologist....I saw things that my other therapists have said.  But, this time I got it.

So, how to explain it?  I was just trying to explain it to my Hubby.   And now...I think I need to explain it to myself.

This week, I was plagued with several days of hives, I have had a pretty high pain level (I have fibromyalgia and yes, it is real), not sleeping well, and several other lovely aches, pains and yuckie things.  The psychologist said things in a way that explains why....I missed so many things or really...ran so fast from them, I never saw what the Hell was going on.  Like autism, I can't even begin to say what I put up with from my maternal family, and it goes back to the death of my son & 1st hubby and my childhood.

I have become the perfect illusionist.  I can have horror right in front of me...and disguise it or create a smoke screen in such a way that I don't see it.  How you say?  I am still figuring that out.  But, I know the smoke screens are going away and so are the disguises.  I have stopped running and performing the big picture that I can start to see my life.

I became the perfect volunteer parent.  I became Errand Girl...the problem fixer.  I became a human backwards tornado....instead of creating havoc, I can make it be perfection.  I truly can perform miracles and did it everyday...except for me and my family.  I was out saving the world so that I didn't see that my world was crumbling.  My world was waving a white flag and I didn't see it.

It's kind of my pattern I am seeing.  I started young.  Creating the illusion of a perfect student, so that no one would look past it and see the molestations, the crazy Mom, the non-existent father, the weird situations that my family life was involved in and how my family of origin functioned....or really didn't.  I worked my ass off to build up many smoke screens so that no one ever even thought to look.  I have been doing this for 40 some odd years.

You talk to anyone that knows me and they will tell you....I get shit done!

But, the first time the smoke cleared...just a little......on October 22, 2012 and it was enough to see that my son was not just an odd duck....there was something wrong!  And now, I look back and see that it was wrong for many years...I just wouldn't, couldn't see it.

So, I made the decision to stop.  Stop running.  Stop the smoke screens...even tho I really didn't get that I was creating them.  Learn to be still...and see.  Stop and take inventory of my life.  Stop saving the world and save me and my family.

But, stopping is not easy.  Creating smoke screens and saving the world is a drug.  It's a drug that makes it feel OK.  It gives me the sense that I got it....I am rocking it.  And that I am stopping....all that baggage, all that pain - physical & mental, all that here.  I have been running from it....but its been about a mile down the road, following me in a moving truck.  And's here.

This week, I am seeing more and more.  The other day...I missed a weight group meeting with my therapist because I took sooooo many Diphenhydramine for crazy, itchy hives that I passed out.  I didn't know why I was itchy...But, I was drawing blood I was scratching so much.  The next day, I took Nash in to see her and she looked at me and said what is happening to you?  I didn't know.

On Thursday, I had my meeting with the therapist.  I had my epiphany!  I saw it and she explained it.  All the pain and suffering I have been running here  :)  So, I looked at her and said....fuck this!  No, I don't have time to do this now.  And she asked me if I was going to run some more...because if I was....I could.  But, it won't go away!  It will follow me and rear its ugly head again or...I can feel it now.  Deal with it.  Quit playing games and face my shit.

Obviously, I stopped running a little while ago because the fibromyalgia that I have had and thought it was a made up disease, reared its ugly head.  And I hurt!  I have invisible hives.  Oh, I have it all.  I have had horrid pain that all I could do was cry in bed.  And from what I am told...I can't choose to feel one thing at a's black or white.  Feel nothing or feel everything

All the pain I never allowed myself to feel...I am feeling now.  And if I choose to stop it.....I can....but it will come back.

I am fifty now...and I hurt!  And I am going to consciously allow myself to hurt.  I am NOT enjoying it.  But, I know it will get better.  And I am going to learn things about me and about my family.  Once I feel it all......I will be done.  So....wish me well.  Know that while I am limping....its not about what happened today, I am just learning from my past.

And I am NOT going to go out and save the world!  I wrote the new SSS President that even tho I said I would be available for things......I can't.  It's my drug of choice.  Who would turn down saving the world?  Me.  Because I have to.  I must for my family.  I must for me.  I can NOT bring out my is retired until I can use it for "my good".

Today, was uncontrollable burning muscles and joints.  I survived.  But, you MUST know....feeling sucks!   I am assured that the more I feel, the easier it will get.  Funny how things happen.  How our brains work. 

So, I will be feeling.


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