Thursday, October 3, 2013

asking for something.....can be the raping of your soul

For the last 6 months...we have been told to file for disability for Nash.  To get assistance.  It's a hard one to swallow but, we finally got up the guts to start the process. 

It's a kind of paper - rape process...yes, that word is rape.  You fill out all kinds of paperwork, then go into the SSI building and have everything you own man-handled and gone thru by their security guard.  Then you sit in an empty room and wait. 

They finally call your number, take you into a very bleak, very grey, sad room and sit you in a grey compartment.  That compartment has nothing but grey, 2 seats facing a grey person...who tells you he is not getting paid for his day there because our government is shutdown. 

So now, this unpaid grey person has a ton of questions we have to answer...personal questions.  Like has Nash served any time in prison?  Has he held a job?  Is he on parole?  When did we know there was something wrong with Nash?  Do we have life insurance, if so how much?  How much money do we make?  Do we have more children that we would like to see if we can get SSI for?  Would we like to apply for SSI?  My favorite, you got a lot from your first husbands wont get that much now.

And when grey man is done...he excuses himself from the grey compartment.  We wait in the grey room.  Then he comes back and tells us that altho we have laid our pathetic life out for him to scrutinize.......we blew it.  Sorry you make far too much money.  But, should you divorce and Mom take full custody...we can reformulate. 

What?  Really?  What??

But, no worries.....when Nash becomes of age, we can file again.

So, we are doing everything we can now to make sure he never has to need this.  He will be a productive member of society....if it kills me, you and all of your friends.  It will never come to that.

I never, ever want to do this again.

This past year...we have laid out our lives, opened up our souls to people to help our son.  We have been laughed at, lied to, pointed in very many wrong ways, told to buck up, go find a sport, be a better parent, give up meat, give up the color blue, don't use dye based anything, vaccines are how we fucked up our child,  I was a bad mother...I did too much or I didn't do enough, I am too old and should have thought about what I was doing when I had a baby at 42....and of course one of the reasons why I don't speak to my family.....I should have had an abortion.

So, I have a son who I love, who is a little different.  Who gets a little over spun by anxiety.  Who goes from soft & cuddly to a screaming lunatic in mere seconds.  Who's favorite target for his rage is me.  I am not counting the injuries because then...I would have to admit them.  And it's embarrassing to admit that your 8 year old son scares you and hurts you.  And you are embarrassed to go to the doctor with damaged body parts because you don't want to have to tell anyone.

These past many months...........we have been interviewed, examined, tested, evaluated, watched, taught....and still.....we don't have much to show for it.  We got approved for some aid but first we have to pay them, then we would get a little respite, but how good is it when sending your child off with someone would only cause more anxiety for him which in turn will lead to more anxiety at home and probably more violence against me?  Or someone not safe around my child.  And having to live with it because that's what they recommend.

Anyway....this may not make sense.....but today felt like a rape.  A rape of my soul.  And when it was over...I was left feeling dirty and stupid and used.

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