living and learning as best I can

Today, I sat in a meeting about special education and the county school district...and their plans.

I have been involved with special education barely a year.  That is NOT a long time.

In 1 year I was feeling like...yeah, I got this.  I can learn and guide my son, I can fight for him, kick ass for him.....I am his Mom, its what I do.  I have been doing it for my daughter all along...but not like this. 

With my daughter, I guided, I lead by example...and it pretty much worked.  She is a fabulous child.  OK, she is a lot like me...maybe too much like me.  But, with her I know....she will have a great life.  She will get what she wants and do well.  I have no doubts...even tho she has many.

My son....I question everything daily.  But, this past year....I got a lot done, have hit the acceptance stage where...I am letting him be how he is.  I am not pushing him to be what I think he should be....but letting him guide me to where he wants to be.  I am uncomfortable where he is finding his place...but, I am accepting him where he is.

Today, I sat in a SELPA meeting with the superintendents of all of the county schools talking about special education.  I am a CAC member.  Which means I was appointed to serve on the community advisory committee to SELPA.  Its what I do...I like to have a cause to fight for and I am good at it.  But today, while sitting in this meeting...my first so far.  And it was a big one because they were planning on doing something very bad and the CAC.  Our President put out a call to arms.....and some good shit happened.

But, while I was sitting there following everything they said to the best of my ability....it was like sitting in a foreign county because I didn't understand the terms they used or the different parts of special education. 

I was lost.  I hate being lost.

I wrote notes, underlined things said and did my best.

But, what I found at the end of the meeting is that.....I have such a big job ahead of me.  I have to learn everything I can because I have 10 years to prepare my son for life.  Whatever his life is going to be. 

There is a phrase that I have seen in many books I have read and websites that I have visited...and today...it is REALLY making sense...again. 

This is really how it feels......I was planning to go to Italy.  I studied long and hard to learn the language, the foods, the cloth, the lifestyle...I thought I had it all down.  Then I boarded a plane.  That plane took me to Switzerland.  Not that Switzerland is not a great country......It just wasn't what I was ready for.  I was ready for Italy.

I sat this evening talking to my husband.  Trying to explain what today felt like to me. 

I am scared.  I am ready for battle.  I am overwhelmed by what is before me.  I pray I can do this.  I feel naked and weak.  I already hurt from the long road ahead of me.  I know without a doubt I can do this because....I don't have another option.  I am a Mom.  I am his Mom.  I am going to need to have some balance. 

Balance??? 

Shit....I don't know this either.  What else don't I know????  Now, I am scared again...because I see ahead of me a whole wold of what I don't know. 

I am very glad I see my therapist tomorrow.