Tuesday, September 10, 2013

when the road is rough

  • Since school has started...the road has been rough.
  • After 3 days of school and the county was on fire and school closed to be safe.....the road was rough.
  • Now, we are back at school for another set of 1st days...this road is rough!
  • Only having a diagnosis, but still waiting to know what to do....is terribly rough.
  • Being asked questions a gajillion times about why he has to go to school.....yes, its rough.
  • Sitting on a bench every morning, while we are at school way too early because of his panic...eh, I can live with that.
  • Watching all the kids play, while yours sit in shear panic because of his surroundings....fucking rough.
  • Having people try to help....its nice.....but also makes it rough.
  • Finally hearing the whistle blow to go to class...and feel the tension so thick you could cut it with a knife....numbingly rough.
  • Walking your child to his class and waiting while everyone whirs around and your child is frozen....heartbreakingly rough.
  • Having the teacher come and know...your child is quietly...freaking out because you are going to leave.......horribly rough.
  • Seeing your child's eyes, as he look at you for comfort and his eyes are welling up....and he says bye.........fucking rough!
  • Walking away knowing you survived another war......and there was no winner....rough.
  • Going to work so you can feel like a human again............
  • Knowing your day is over and now you have to pick up your child and you don't know who will be there.......frightening rough.
  • Hearing your child say...I got lost in class today, I got lost on the play ground, people called me names, people said they hate me............tearfully rough.
  • working on homework....just rough!
  • And now is dinner time....battle stations.
  • the screaming starts...I hate you......I am not going to eat this...where are my chicken nuggets.....this is not protein, this is crap!  You can't tell me what to do.....I wish you were dead Mom.  You are an idiot Mom.....I wish you would go away forever.  I hate you.....then, rams a fork at me....hurts my heart rough,
  • I declare this day to be over...jammies then bed...Mommy has had enough....rough.
  • Allowing Dad to step up while he is crazied....out comes a prison Lieutenant.....that is fucked up ROUGH!
  • Pulling the lieutenant off the boy and asking him to leave....way fucked up rough.
  • Sit with the boy while he cries that no body loves him.  Who will love him?  He wants to go where there are no parents.  I tell him, I love him and always will.  I kiss his forehead and rub his back, I promise to always be there and love him no matter what he does......just plain rough.
  • Get the boy settled in so that he can cry himself to sleep.....broken hearted rough.
  • Wondering where Hubby Lieutenant went...been gone for hours now.
  • Reassuring daughter that this is bad...it will be fine.  fucked up rough.
  • Eat ice cream to make me feel better.....you guessed it...rough.
  • Wondering if I should lock the door or not....scary rough.
  • Later, hearing someone come in the house and hope it's your Hubby......nervous.
  • Being quiet and waiting to see what is what.....rough.
  • Asking if he would like to talk but that you refuse to fight....and he says.....I smell like your Mother because I am drunk.  Leave me alone, I am sleeping on the couch.  rough.
  • today...............was rough.

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