we have an answer....autism

I have been avoiding my blog because...then I don't have to address all that is going on in our family.  But, after my last therapy session.....I am not avoiding anything...I am mad, scared, and feeling like I am in a foreign county and don't speak the language.

As you know, on October 22, 2012, I finally saw that there was something wrong with our son, Nash.  It rained and it became our first eye opener into...WTF?  I have been running and searching for answers since.  Not that I was questioning things before this date.....but, I had nothing concrete to say....what the heck is this?

On August 19, 2013, we got a definitive diagnosis.  Autism.  Not Asperger's, not PPD NOS, not ADHD

Autism

Even tho I knew it....I was not prepared for the shock of the confirmation.  The doctor that did the psych evaluation was very forth coming with information and preparation of us as parents.  He was not mean or accusatory or blaming....he was informative, in plain language and very matter of fact.  And I believe that he is 100% correct in his diagnosis.

But......that morning when we left our home for the drive to the clinic where this diagnosis was done....I was mentally preparing for a fight.  I have been fighting and yelling, pulling and forcing people to see that there was something going on with my child!  There was a problem that needed an answer.....and no one was seeing that it was a big deal! 

I fought to get people to look at what I was seeing.  And even when I got them to look....they, in many ways, just patted my hand.  Told me it wasn't so bad.  Yes, he would need some help but not much.  Yes, we will give you enough so you think we are doing something...but really, we are blowing you off.  I was getting used to people...professionals...telling me that well, it's a minor issue.  Even the case worker that set up the evaluation told me not to expect much because there wasn't really anything there.

So, while driving to the appointment, and meeting with the doctor, and filling out all of the questionnaires.....I was putting on my fighting gloves, I was getting on my armor, I was in hyper drive....I was ready for battle!  When I went in after many hours of paperwork and all of the testing he did with Nash....I was going to convince him that something was wrong with my baby!

And he told me....there was something wrong.  He explained in very simple terms the long and the short of what was going on with our son.

Autism

I have been calling it autism.  I have been reading many books about autism.  I have read so much on the web about autism.  I even put a magnet with the word autism on the back of my van.  I tell people everyday my son has autism. 

But, when he said autism......it knocked the wind out of me.  I went numb.  I was shocked.  I kept listening to him explain and waiting to fight. 

Autism

Her talked to us about Nash's current schooling, how he would make specific IEP recommendations in his evaluation, how teaching Nash will have to change.  He spoke about Nash's future and how what we are hoping for Nash may not be what is our reality now.  That there are many forms of fulfillment and just because its not what we expect...he will still have a fulfilling life.

I felt like I was hearing about impending death.  Cancer.  The end of the world.

Autism

When he was done...he shook our hands, we smiled, we thanked him, we held Nash's hand and walked to the van.  The sky was still blue.  The wind blew my hair.  A train with many cars whizzed by.  We all watched the train go by.   It was so very hot.  And Nash was waiting for his promised trip to Target to eat pizza. 

As I sat in the van to drive away...my right calf seized into a charlie horse cramp.  But, it wasn't like a cramp I had ever had before.  It became a knot the size of my fist.  And the rest of my muscles were so very tight.  I told Hubby but it was like saying....God bless me, after I had sneezed.  When we got to the closest Target...I could hardly get out of the van...all of my muscles were tight and seized in pain.  I could hardly walk but we were at Target, pizza was waiting....and I had to move!

When we finally got home....I was a mess.  Hubby was a mess.  And Nash was Nash.  The same child that left the house this morning is still the same child with us now.  But, our world is different. 

I felt like my world ended.  But, we still had the same everything.  Everything is still the same colors, and shapes, and smells.  But, we now have an answer.  The answer I have been pointing to.  And now the answer is...autism.