Walls up...battle stations

Today was my therapy session.  I do love my therapist...even tho she is teeny, tiny.  But, she is real.  She is flawed and I like that about her  :)

I have been going to therapy for several years...dealing with my past and childhood.  And now....dealing with my children and my marriage.  Boy....you can NOT have thin skin and go to therapy!  Not if you want to get better  :)

I would love....to not be like my Mom.  I know a lot of you love your Mom.  And I do love my Mom.  She was not a good Mom.  She was NOT the worst Mom either.  But, as a Mom now....I see what a MUCH BETTER job she could have done.  I know a lot of people say that when they became Mom's they finally understood their Moms and all that she went thru to raise them and became closer.   
My feelings are......way opposite!

Anyway...the awareness of our son's ASD, the early retirement of my Hubby and his leaving the correctional department after 27 years, me returning to work and closing my business, the financial difficulties these have put on us and the general changes that Mid-life bring upon you...or marriage is rocky.  We have both committed to riding it out and never looking in the direction of the "D" word.

But...sometimes you need a break.  We are at that point.

I have been paddling alone for the past several months.  Hubby has been thinking we are on a cruise to a strange land and has been afraid to open his eyes.  I got him brochures, got him a passport, got him travel books about our trip and a tour guide, printed out maps, stood him at the edge of the dock and then seated him in the boat.  I did everything else....then got in the boat and started paddling.

I am tired of paddling alone.

I see that Hubby hasn't grabbed a paddle yet, or opened his eyes, or read any of the brochures or travel books.  He pretends the tour guide is not there.  And is stuck.

I love my Hubby.  He is my best friend.  But, I can not live his life nor can I change anything about it.  Only he can do this.

He saw his life differently. 

Maybe a life in Paris?  Maybe even fishing off the coast of Mexico. 

I saw a life of a family...I have always wanted a family.

I lived a life of secrets my whole life.  I would see one thing and was always told it was something else.  I was always told I was less than and not enough.  I hated that life. 

I swore that no matter what, I would never lie or keep secrets again.  I would place my roots down for my children and never pull them up for any reason.  I would speak my mind and if someone didn't like it...they could kiss my ass!  I would do...whatever I needed to do.......to make my children's life something they would never run from or be embarrassed by.  I would call a spade, a spade....and explain why to anyone that wanted to listen...or not  :)

And I don't really give a shit what you...or anyone else thinks about me, my life or the choices I have made to be where I am today.

But, from early childhood.....I learned to build walls.  My walls are impenetrable!  They are 100 feet thick and made of steel!  When you come from a tough childhood...you learn to build walls.  One of the things I have been working on in therapy...is to let down my walls.  Take the reinforcement down.  Let some sun shine in  :)

Today, I told my therapist that Hubby was on a vacation to see his kids and grandkids.  He was also on a vacation from me and our kids.  He was tired of living in a mental hospital.  He was tired of trying to understand ASD.  He wanted a better life.  He had other plans for his life.  He had always wanted to travel when he retired and he can't do that now.  He would like to retire somewhere else.  He wanted to be better off financially and not facing loan modification and the possible loss of our home.  He wanted more than what he has.

So, I told him to go on a vacation.  I was already paddling alone.  I told him to think about what he wanted and what he could do about his situation.  I instantly put up my walls....thicker and stronger than ever.  Because now...the walls don't just protect me.

When I told my therapist this....she was not happy.  She saw that when my walls are thick and high....I get very intellectual and rational.  My heart...is gone.  The space between her and I is greater than the physical distance between me and Hubby. 

I am scared.  And then I am not.

I raised Sophie all alone.  And now that Hubby is gone...the stress is gone from the house.  We are not having meltdowns.  Our behavior therapist is calling nightly because she knows..shit is going to hit the fan soon...and it hasn't yet.  Everything our behavior therapist has asked to be implemented months ago...is implemented!  And working great! 

Hubby calls daily.  Nash is distancing himself from Dad because having Dad gone hurts.  I feel guilty enjoying the peace and quiet.  And I am scared that maybe...just maybe.  This is it.

He claims to miss us and I believe him.  I told him that he MUST get his head out of his ass and get over this denial phase he is in.  He MUST read......READ....a Temple Grandin book about Autism.  He must be on the team or submit his application to leave. 

Before he left...I made him see our marriage therapist alone and make an appointment with his doctor that he MUST keep.  Every time I talk to him on the phone...I assure him that if he chooses to stay...I will not fight it.  All I ask is forewarning because this is going to be a HORRIBLE thing for Nash. 

I do not like the unknown.  I HATE surprises.  Yet...after many months of running with band-aides and putting out fires on a daily and hourly basis...I am enjoying the calm before the storm. 

Am I sure there is a storm?  It may not be the storm I am anticipating...but there WILL be a storm.